21 Down

This week I passed the twenty pounds lost benchmark for my diet. I guess I can't call it a diet anymore, because I really eat what I want anymore, but much less of it and what I want to eat is usually healthy stuff.

I've dropped from a size 14 to a size 10. I really can't beleive it! It's so nice to fit into these old jeans I have, that I couldn't fit into just months ago. The best part, though, is just feeling healthy.

I have 15 more pounds to go and I'm certain I can do it.

Weathering it All

Things have been well here lately, aside from a sore tummy this past weekend. Not sure what caused it, but it lasted two days, which is kinda unusual.

I've been thinking more about how all the things in my past have helped me weather the rough waters of transition. I think without what I'd been through, I don't think I would have the thick hide able to face life now.

Much of my childhood was rather miserable, being the most unpopular kid in class...being ignored, punched, laughed at non-stop and bullied. Looking back on it, I realize that the horrible things I had to endure wound up making me resistant to that sort of stuff. Five long years from 4th grade to Freshman in high school is what it took to distill an impervious attitude to life. After that, I knew I could face anything. Sometimes, I find myself with a distant "thousand meter stare" of someone who has been through some really traumatic stuff. Every day on my way home for each of those years I had to carefully plan various events in order to get home safely. I only lived a few miles away, but it felt like eternity when you were avoiding bullies.

So now, insults, unless they are from someone I love, are pretty much a thing of the past. I don't know how those who never had to deal with bullying cope with those awkward phases of transition.

Fleecing our Community

One of my biggest pet peeves lately has been various people who prey on transitioners and their fears by overcharging by insane amounts for simple things.

The first kind I noticed recently are those who prey on fears that many of us have in that first time out shopping for clothes. We all had that fear at one time or another when we went out the first time...the fear that we would be seen as freaks or weird. I remember my first time rather vividly...it was a run through a Meijer store here and I picked up a few things that were rather atrocious now that I think about it! But they had self-service lanes and I made it out safely!

But these particular online stores will charge ridiculous amounts for basic clothes. One place I went was charging $80 for a pair of normal underwear and $120 for nylons. They were selling women's blouses for like $150 and up. Lame wigs you can buy at any wig store for $30-50, they were selling for between $250-350 dollars.

The worst kind, I just read about today in my inbox--that of the post-transition person who offers their 'services' at exorbitant rates for pre-transitioners. The email was from my old therapist who hired on a post-transition assoiciate that ofers these kinds of services. You'll love some of these 'classes' she offers:

Transition Goal Setting and Action Planning $160
Fashion and Color Analysis $120
Undergarments and Foundation Basics $120
Nails – Grooming $80
Techniques for facilitating gender matching (e.g. special under garments, body hair management, etc.) $120
Hair Care/Hair Care Sources and Products $80
Real Life Test: Going Public! (Dealing with public outings during a “field trip”) $240

Yeah! Some nice stuff there! I don't begrudge post-transitioners trying to earn a living, but fleecing our community with these ridiculous classes and prices? That really ticks me off. Transition is hard enough without having to worry about being preyed on. It's even worse when people who have already gone through it "give back" to the community by offering things like this at those prices.

Crazy Sci-fi Adventure Dream

I haven't been remembering my dreams lately, but this one was too cool to forget.

Most of the dream was in a dark basement with dim flourescent lighting. I was with a dozen or so people, including some guy who looked like Sam Neil, but a bit older and with grey hair. We were chatting and hiding it seemed. In the dream, it seemed as though everyone I with was gay, and I was the only woman there. Sam Neil-guy was fiddling around with a wrench and touching it to the exposed ceiling pipes in different angles, and was able to create a magnetic field. Eventually, he used this field to vanish into a parallel dimension, leaving behind just the wrench. We were all shocked.

Then the government started to chase us and we moved through the woods to another hideout in an abandoned home in a suburb. Sadly, the government found us, and took us out into the streets. It was early morning and the sky was that hazy dark grey before the sun comes up. As we were being led down the street in a single file line, I mentioned, "So this is how it ends? With no one saying anything?" None of the residents of the houses appeared at all and we were marched toward a long table in the middle of the street with burgers and chips and cheap plates and forks and stuff. This was to be our last meal before we were taken to an extermination camp in a nearby government bus.

Me and another of the guys escaped the meal line and ran for a nearby house. We barged in and headed to the basement where I frantically picked up a random wrench from a workbench nearby and stood up on a ladder and tried pressing it up to the pipes in the exposed ceiling. The guy with me kept telling me to hurry and I could feel a magnetic pull on the wrench. There was a commotion outside as the government agents were breaking in and grabbed my friend and were about to grab me as I tried it one last time.

Then all of a sudden, Sam Neil-guy appears from the ceiling and lands ontop of me, knocking me to the ground to which I blurted out, "I LOVE YOU!!" He smiled, dressed in a black leather jacket and jeans and moved off me to go take care of the government agents and save us! I remember thinking, "Oh he's so dreamy!"

...and then I woke up. Strangely, I woke up 2 minutes before my alarm clock was about to go off.

On religion

I used to be a very devout Conservative Christian...the kinda that pretty much unsettles me now. I was very bigoted, very unhappy, very uninformed. College changed a lot of that and so did finally coming to terms with things in my life.

I finally realized that the Bible is mostly a load of junk, and more of a historical record than not. I also realized that anyone who claims to tell you what happens when you die is also full of it. In becoming a devil's advocate for everything wrong with the Bible, I lost my faith and realized that life is so much more complex than being given a book and told to read it for your insight.

So what then? I started from nothing. I guess I could've stayed with nothing, but it wasn't really spiritual to have nothing. There is no hope for the future with nothing...because right now with science, in zillions of years the universe will have expanded into a freezing death full of nothing but aimless particles.

So I chose.

I chose Christianity because I was familiar with it. I choose to believe against the rationality that there is nothing to believe in. And now my Christianity is refined from the glob of coal it was before, to a shiny diamond of simple beliefs in the Golden Rule, the Beatitudes, the Sermon on the Mount, and the teachings and life of someone who has been hijacked by many religions for many other purposes. I believe he died for us all and that we are all saved by His Grace. You can choose to believe it or choose not to believe it, but in the end, He Loves you...and I love you.

Is it wrong to choose your religion or does religious awakening happen from other circumstances in life? Do we simply follow the religion of our parents and community or how do we find out what truths mean to us?

Against everything I know to be real and factual, I have faith in something that defies all reason.

A friend I didn't know

Last night, my friends and I went out to celebrate the life of a friend who passed a couple weeks ago. I wasn't able to attend her funeral, but we spent last night at her favorite restaurant in downtown Indianapolis--English Ivy's.

I didn't know too much about her, even though I had hung out with her about a dozen times over the few years. She was one of the people at our therapy group who talked a lot. She had a lot of funny stories, but as for her personal life, I only knew a little.

It just seems sad that I will never get to know them, and that I didn't get to spend more time with them. Maybe we take for granted that friends in our lives will be there, and that there's always a next time that we will see them if we are busy or have other things going on. I knew there were a few times she wanted to get together but I was busy. Now I feel guilty that I let those moments go. Perhaps they could've been one more good memory of her that I would have to share with her friends or jus to reflect on.

The best ever

Nothing leaves me sadder and in tears quite like my farewell from Pittsburgh after visiting with Monicutie. It's really impossible to describe the felings. Usually I'm on a high and then I go into shock as I realize that I have to wait again. It's so heartbreaking, but everytime I leave aI have with me memories and love that will last forever.

On this trip, we went out to a a lovely seafood restaurant on the Waterfront, and followed it up with a great showing of 30 Days of Night.

The nest day we spent relaxing and enjoying stuff. We went to a great sushi restaurant in the evening and then spent hte evening watching Ace of Cakes, South Park and whole bunches of stuff.

Then, we spent the next day relaxing for the most part and doing some shopping as we got prepared for a rousing night out at a haunted house. It was a bit rainy most of hte day, but by the night it had cleared up. Monica went as the lovely Raven and I went as Starfire from Teen Titans. Jeff went as the Green arrow, but was sadly mistaken for Legolas and Peter Pan. It was way fun in the haunted house! The haunted house baddies were paying extra attention to Monica and I for some rason ^_^. After that, we came home and carved pumpkins, watched movies and had a great time (as always!)

The next day, we went out to the zombie walk at Monroeville mall. It was rough getting up early, but it was a lot of fun and apparently there were a record number of zombies in attendance. Zombilicious!

And now, I'm back at the home front, and it's never the same. Though....there will always be a next time and there's never a farewell. Someday, I won't have to say farewell though....

A Healthy Time

Three more pounds have slipped away and life seems to be going well. This week I get to journey to see some very close friends and that is the best thing ever! it's so rough having to wait so long, but at least there's the Internets!

Lately, it's been work work work, and when I'm not at work, I'm at home playing World of Warcraft too much. I think I really need to break free from this game in some way as it does monopolize my time way too much. It gets sad when I think of how much time over the years I've probably spent on the computer, when I could've been out with friends. On the other hand, since the Internet revolution, friends can be made online...so are you really wasting time on some of these games when you actually do have social interaction?

March of Progress

My weight loss is continuing, albeit very slowly. I'm losing about 1-2 pounds a week now and will probably keep on that for a few months if I can keep going steady at it. I'm regularly clocking in about 1100-1300 calories a day, which isn't bad.

Three of the things I've found crucial to losing weight:

1) Load up on food in your fridge and freezer in preparation for it. Get bulk good food and veggies for whatever you feel your diet may need. I get bulk Goldfish, salmon, asparagus, bread, chicken and lunch meat to tide me over for several weeks. Temptation comes when you don't have your weight loss materials ready to eat. When I'm nearly out of my salmon, I head out to get grab a ton more.

2) Exercise. It's the only real way to lose significant weight. While you can start to lose a few pounds by eating right and reducing your weight, the only way to experience dramatic loss over time is to significantly ofset what you eat by exercising. For me, I run for a quick 15 mins and that shaves about 200 calories off my allotment for the day. When I want to really lose some more weight, I can double that and see some more calorie loss.

3) Snack between meals. To keep your metabolism going throughout the day, eating small snacks in between your meals and after dinner. For me, my snack of choice is a 100 calorie snack bar. And of course goldfish (the crackers...not the actual swimmy ones!)

All in all I've found that after a few months, this becomes habit. You automatically avoid temptations and even if you do eat big one day, you can offset it by eating less the next. It's so nice getting back into shape and feeling like I finally have control over how I eat.

The best year of my life

From Valerie's Letter in V for Vendetta:

Work improved. I got small film roles, then bigger ones. In 1986 I starred in "The Salt Flats." It pulled in the awards but not the crowds. I met Ruth while working on that. We loved each other. We lived together and on Valentine's Day she sent me roses and oh God, we had so much. Those were the best three years of my life.

I know that whatever I face in life. No matter what hardships I go through in the future, I had roses and apologized to nobody.

The words love and thanks don't do justice anymore for how I feel.

Motivation

It's been awhile, but I'm still working on my diet. I'm pretty surprised I've lasted this long, but once you get in the hang of it, it becomes second nature. I've been working out every day, running for about 15-20 minutes. On the downside though, I've noticed since I've started working out my allergies are a lot worse. I've been having to use my inhaler a couple times a day, whereas previously I'd go without using it for a couple days. I think I'll need to see a doctor about getting on some regular allergie or asthma medication.

Saturday night, I went out to a workplace party with a few of my friends. His family hsoted it and it was a great time! Sadly, I had to leave a bit earlier than I'd have liked because I had arrangements with Jen that evening too. Jen and I went out to see Transformers and I have to say it was even neater the second time around!

What Goes Around

My exercise fest continues! I 've lost a total of 7 pounds now and the weight seems to be dipping much slower now, but at a steady pace. As much as I don't like Wal-Mart, they have some really good bulk marinated individually sealed salmon fillets that I am now quite fond of. I picked up quite a few bags of them, along with bundles of asparagus and have been having that most evenings.

The running is getting easier now too. For some strange reason, running in shoes started to wind me alot. I wasn't able to run my full distance when I started trying to wear them. Now, however, I went back to barefoot on the treadmill and it is much easier again to run even farther than before.

I am finding myself able to resist nearly all deserts, candies and other temptations that will sidetrack my diet. My only weakness is some crackers in the evening, but I hear that Goldfish crackers will rememdy that. Apparently, you can have like 50 or so Goldfish crackers and they are only 100 calories? That sounds right up my alley if it's true!

On the downside, I find myself very exhausted lately, and even finding moments of depression amid the days. I wonder if it's because I'm not eating right, or if it's because I am some kind of bipolar fruitbat? I am beginning to think I may be bipolar and that might be causing my mood swings.

All in all, I can't wait till October (yay!), and with autumn here now, life is only going to get better as this is my favorite time of the year.

Four Things

Michelle tagged me to try this meme out, and it looked fun so here goes:

4 jobs I've had in my life
Secretary - This was a really neat job. I was in a cubicle setting near the exectuive offices of an insurance company and I was the only secretary there who knew MS Word. So I did a lot of the other girls' work as well!

Electronics Boutique salesperson - What more could a geek want than selling games at EB?! Not only did I get to play games for free and bring them home, but I got the first pick of new games when they came in. Sadly, I wasn't much of a console game player back then, so I didn't appreciate all the fun stuff out.

Nuclear Power Plant intern - Like Homer Simpson, I got to go around the nuclear plant and help the computer people with radiation monitoring equipment.A lot of times I was in a nice office and working on entering stuff in a database. The best parts were getting to go around in the radiation zones and see stuff like the glowing blue rods underwater. Yeah, don't stand too close to those.

Day Care center custodian - I did yardwork and groundskeeping with a high school friend at a day care center. It was crazy fun and the boss was a bit of a tightwad though. For some reason we had to go in and clean HIS house every Saturday. I was only 16 and didn't know that it was probably against the law. I felt like an indentured servant :P

4 places I've lived
Sterling, Illinois - Where I was born!
Phoenix, Arizona - Where I lived much of my life when I was younger
Fort Meade, Maryland - Where I trained in the Army as a Public Affairs person for several months
Indiana - Where I live now!

4 favorite foods
Anything Mexican
Scallops
Asparagus
Anything Italian

4 places I'd rather be
Pittsburgh, PA ^_^
Rome, Italy - I've always wanted to visit there!
England/Ireland - Another place I want to visit sometime
Germany - I love this country. The people are so friendly.

4 movies I can watch over and over
Aliens - I have it almost all memorized
Lord of the Rings trilogy - I never grow tired of this one!
The Princess Bride - probably my favorite movie of all time
Kill Bill series - Brilliant and action packed.

4 TV shows I like to watch
Top Chef
Survivor - my favorite show when it's on
Lost - another favorite
Law & Order SVU

4 websites I view daily
CNN
Yahoo
My work's website
WoWWiki - All the World of Warcraft info you'll ever need!

4 computers I have owned
I'm dating myself here like Michelle:
Atari 800
Commodore 64 - THE BEST
Xenith X86 Portable computer - Portable my butt!
My Homemade 2.6 GHz Colleeny Special

4 people to tag
I won't tag anyone, but if you like the meme...go for it!

Guitar Hero and Dieting

Saturday evening, I went to a neat party for a friend at work's husband. It was a rather large gathering and many of them are gamers like myself. It was quite a good time, and they had a nice BBQ grill and lots of food and snacks....which I happily resisted! I limited myself to a bottle of hard cider and a burger and hotdog. Not too bad.

So later on, they break out the Guitar Hero on their entertainment system. I'd always seen the game, but hadn't had the opportunity to play it. Many of them were drunk and having quite a blast on it and I tried it too and it was super fun! So Sunday, I went out and got the game with a guitar controller and was playing some of the day. I now have another horribly nerdy hobby! Oh no!

As for my dieting, I've been running a lot the past few days. I've been running a full mile, follower by ten minutes of cooldown walking on an incline. I checked our scales at work today and I'm down 5 pounds! And that's just one week! I'm so excited about losing weight and eating right. This is going to be the best few months ever and I'll finally get rid of this excess baggage!

Inspired!

The diet is going great so far! And not only the diet, but also the exercise. I seem to have a lot of energy during the day again, even though it is hard to get up in the mornings.

I've been keeping myself to about 1000 calories a day, and not only that, I've been cutting out the bread. So far, the yumminess is helped by being able to eat large helpings of fish and asparagus every night. Oh my it is so good!

And the exercise has been helping a lot too. I have been doing 30-60 crunches a day and running for 15-20 minutes on the treadmill. Hopefully the pound swill soon melt away!

The best part though, is that my attitude and willpower are getting better. I feel more focussed and happy on getting back into shape and getting on with transition. I'v ebeen contacting FFS doctors left and right asking for consultations and all that good stuff.

Diet Time

So this weekend I went out and went grocery shopping in preparation for diet time. I bought a metric ton of asparagus and tilapia fillets and also salmon fillets and chicken breasts. I have found that I am now a huge fan of asparagus. I could likely eat the stuff as candy, because it tastes so darn good when it's grilled.

Since it's worked for Michelle in the past, I'm giving the South Beach Diet a try this time around. I think this should be pretty easy to follow since all I really have to do is cut out all bread, rice and starchy stuff for a few weeks. I also have all the dinners planned out for the next two weeks.

I also have been looking into getting FFS done and I know this is something I finally want to get over with. I'm looking at either Dr. Zukowski or Dr. Suporn over in Thailand. The only problem right now is how to finance it.

I Lost Myself

Lately, through too much online game playing and the realization of wonderful friends in my life, I've realized I've lost my way in transition.

Among things, I've slowed down my regimen of medication in a holding pattern. I also really stopped caring about my weight. I also stopped really pursuing the things I need to do in order to make my life the one I want to live...instead...I settled into monotony and habit, rather than change.

I realize now how it happens....it happens one small step at a time. It's never a big change. Tiny bits of apathy pile up until you get off the side of the road or on another path and look over at where you are supposed to be and say, "What the hell am I doing over here?"

When I look in the mirror, I don't see that woman I saw just months ago or even a year or two ago who was going through transition. I see the old me from many years back and it's scary. I have a lot of work to do to get back on track and I'm going to have to make some changes that are really going to suck.

Breeding Stock

I've watched a few movies lately that touch on something very close to me and something that has always riled me up--the male portrayal of women as mere wombs for breeding.

The first movie I saw recently that dealt with that was Pan's Labrynth. In that particular movie, the mother was being kept alive throughout much of the movie for the sole reason of providing a child for the the Captain. He didn't care at all about her, but it was the child that mattered...having the offspring was what mattered and keeping his legacy.

Over the weekend I saw The Hills Have Eyes 2, which opened with a horrific scene of a poor woman who had been captured by mutants and strapped down for 9 months to a nasty bed to provide a baby for the mutants. After she's done giving birth, the mutant kills her. It was just horrible imagining such an experience.

And while most treatment isn't as bad in Western Society, in the Middle East and India and many countries around the world, women still are are seen as breeding stock. Honor killings are rampant in order to preserve male reputations and women are nothing but mere property to be won.

Then you only have to look to American culture and shows like The Pickup Artist on VH1 to see that women are still viewed as nothing more than prized to be won. Commercials show us all the pretty girls that men can aspire to achieve if they use their various products. So case in point....women are a commodity...not people.

I now see how much work feminism has ahead of it in securing equal rights for women. It may never happen with a securely entrenched patriarchy...at least in America.

Crazy week

This poison ivy won't go away! It's just plain evil. Needless to say I will never be working in the yard ever again...except maybe in the winter!

Things were going fine much of last week and the pill regimen was working. The bad thing, though was that it was only a 6 day regimen and on Friday, I took my last pill. Saturday night, the rashes began to appear again, but this timein huge 5-10 inch hives all over where the poison ivy had been. And they itched even worse this time!! So basically, I had a relapse. The worst part though was that it was very hard to breathe....something with the hives was heightening my asthma really bad.

Monday, I went back in to the doctors and they gave me a shot and got me back on a heavy regimen of prednisone. Sadly, they gave me too much! My regimen made my body feel on fire as my metabolism went crazy. Then, my heartbeat went crazy! So all Monday and through the night I was all hyped up and couldn't sleep at all. My body was on fire and just wouldn't go to sleep.

On Tuesday I went to the hospital where they lowered my dose and ran some checks on my heart to make sure everythign was ok. Whew! What an ordeal. I have come to conclude that poison ivy is the most evil thing on earth.

On a good note, I was able to somehow finish my first chapter of my book! I am so excited and am going to start working onthe second chapter this week. I feel very inspired to write now, and I think that's a great thing. I am hoping to get a lot of good headway in the book and eventually get this done!

Ivy Rage!

This past week was spent battling a horrifying bout of poison ivy. It finally spread all over my body...to my tummy and legs and everywhere. I know I didn't touch all that stuff! Anyway, it got sooo bad and the blisters so huge that I decided, it's time for some doctor's intervention.

Friday, I went to the doctor's office and she gave me a steroid shot of something powerful....something that would make Barry Bonds uncomfortable! That day, in the evening, all the blisters had vanished! The spots were still there though and now they are healing. They itch like crazy, and I'm now on some tablet regimen, but it worked!

So if you ever get posion ivy....get your butt to a doctor. I thought I might be able to just wait it out, but there's no reason to. Thank goodness!

Itchy and Scratchy

Oh the joys of poison ivy!

I spent Friday doing a lot of yardwork and was pretty much protected...or so I thought.

Saturday, I got to hang out with Jen after the Harry Potter frenzy at work and we enjoyed some ice cream and then a movie....specifically Knocked Up. This was kind of a funny movie, with too much frat boy humor :P. Anyway, it was really fun to get to see Jen. She's recovering from sprained ankles from her motocross fun, but otherwise doing well.

And then Sunday.....the ivy came! First, I woke up early int he morning in cold sweats. When I really woke up finally later that morning I had rashed all over my left arm. Now, today, they are also over my right arm! OH GOD! I hope they don't spread. I swear I am never doing any yardwork ever again! This is the final straw.

Heaven in Steel City

Everytime I go out to Pittsburgh it is an even better time than the last time! Perhaps, because all my fondest memories lately have been from trips to see Monicutie and company.

On Thursday, we hung out and enjoyed a crazy Chinese Buffet. It was so awesome, and strangely enough, they had Sushi there. Sushi + Monica = Freakin' awesome! They also had fried squid, which is always the correct choice when it comes to tentacley goodness. That evening, we watched Dead Alive, which has to be the funniest and grossest movie ever made. Honestly, you owe it to yourself to see this if you are a zombie fan or a Peter Jackson fan. Jeff also built a freakin' sweet game cabinet to play all kinds of sweet video games! It looked so good, and I had no idea he had built it himself.

The next day was followed by some shopping and going out to Butler to see Monica's family. Needless to say it was such a great time and to walk around in the nice cozy breeze was great. The biggest surprise though came in the evening. We had been decorating for Laura's birthday party when it was revealed that the party was actually for me. It was a belated birthday party. I cried and I'm still in shock even today that some friends would care enough to do that for me. I feel humbled, honored and even in awe of such a great group of people that I now have in my life that I couldn't have imagined just years ago.

We went out to the Cheesecake Factory that night and met Miranda, who is quite the hoot! Then we went back and gorged on a delicious blueberry cake that Laura handmade. Holy cow! Talk about cake-tastic.

As if days couldn't get better, the next day was followed by a melange of dropping by the O' in Pittsburgh for hot dogs, and then a nice walk through town to burn off the horrible calories, and then we went to see Transformers and go bopping about a mall. Transformers was an awesome movie. Totally! I didn't think they could do a good job with it, but they didn't even look like CGI robots....they looked real and kicked ass.

That evening we settled down to watch Isolation, which was about a mutant death cow. We topped the night off with a rousing game of Kashi that Monica made and it rocked! She so needs to get her game published, because it was crazy fun and I want to play it a million more times!

And then Sunday...the sadness. I cried on the way home like I generally do when I get to be myself and be with people I care so much for. This trip finally sunk in how lucky I am to have such good friends, and it drove home how awesome Monica is. When I grew up, I never knew that friends could be like this. It's all so new to me to have friends who are so loving and supportive the past few years that I am realizing for the first times in my life what friendship really means. I feel dumbfounded at times trying to adjust to this and hope that I can show my friends how much they mean to me. I love you all!

Live Earth

What an amazing day this was! 7/7/07. It was a day full of music and craziness and all day on Bravo. While I was working most of the day on remodelling the house, we also spent it watching and listening to the great messages and the great music.

My favorites were Duran Duran, Rihanna, Enrique Iglesias, Alicia Keys, The Foo Fighters, The Smashing Pumpkins, and Nunatak. Nunatak was a band of scientists playing in Antarctica and they did a great job considering the cold. There was also a really cool girl band from China that played a bunch of strange string instruments and that was awesome too. The best though was Melissa Etheridge. Damn she ROCKS liv, and she has such a wonderful message too. How beautiful that the world could come together for even just one day with the language that is almost universal....music!

It was also nice to see Karen Duffy helping host the program. She was my favoritist MTV VJ of all time! I still have a crush on her from all those years ago

Now what will we all do to help make the future a place we can all live? Despite what the conservatives and Bush think, global warming is real and we are the cause. It's time to help do what we can to pressure corporations by boycotting driving lame cars that guzzle gas, and supporting companies which are environmentally friendly and working to keep carbon neutral profiles. I'm excited!

Ennui

I've had a little bit of ennui going on lately.

Several weeks back my parents bitched me out about not being able to make their 'family reunion' out in San Diego. I got told all sorts of things like how disappointed they were in me and all that sort of stuff so I laid it on them and let them know that some of the reasons I didn't go, aside from the fact that it is hard for me to get time off from work being a temp manager now, was that I was pretty depressed and I wasn't about to spend 4-5 days with 4 children and out on a beach and not being able to be myself.

Also, I let them know that I would've been happy to come if I was able to dress the way I wanted to and then that's when they said "Oh we thought you were over that stuff." Yeah. Over that stuff.

My family refuses to seem to understand me. Now that want me on medication to fix the depression I have. Yeah, just take medication without really treating the underlying problem.

Remodelling

Our home is undergoing some changes lately, and it has been fun to work on them. We are remodelling a living room area to turn it into a computer/entertainment/gaming area. It hsould look really nice once it's done. We bought two glass desks and they will look very smooth when they are set up along with the other furniture in the room. This weekend's project will include getting an area rug for the doggies to lay on, and new curtains.

Things have been going well...I've been working out the past week and it feels great. I've also been eating better so hopefully I can lose some more weight before I go out to Pittsburgh. ^_^

Otherwise, life has just been going on. Work has been very crazy lately with lots of management duties. I guess the good part is that this will look wonderful on a resume' someday and I've been hearing I'm doing a decent job, so you can't beat that.

The Last One to Die, Please Turn Out the Light

I saw Children of Men last weekend and it really touched me. I totally recommend checking it out as it touches on some good thought-provoking questions.

For one, imagine a world where no babies have been born for 18 years. How depressing would that be? I think I take for granted all the kids screaming around me at times, but you begin to understand through this movie exactly how bleak a future would be without kids. There would be no hope at all.

And that's really what the movie is about...clinging to hope. For many people, our hopes and dreams lie in future generations and our children, and no matter what happens, maybe things will be better in the future. However, when there is no generations coming in....how would you react? Would anything at all be worth it in life? How hard would it be to keep hope in such a world?

On a coincidental note, the last part of the movie ends up in the town of Bexhill in England. This is kind of neat because I used to be involved in the Society for Creative Anachronism, and the name I took way back in the early 90s ended in "of Bexhill." I am not sure why I picked the name back then, but it sounded really cool and this is the first time I've seen it used anywhere!

That Funk

Sometimes you get into a rhythm of lameness in your life and you need to break out of it! Too much video games here and not enough on concentrating on what really matters in life has been making me pretty crummy the past few months.

I have a vacation coming up next month, so now is the time to get into shape and take better control of my hormone regimen. Sadly, I have been slacking over the past several months as I hoped that maybe lowering my dosages would make me feel better. Sadly, it did somewhat the opposite and has been leading to me revisiting horrible things like acne and oily skin, and mild depression again. It's time to get back in gear and back on the program.

So, that means much less snacking and more watching what I eat. I also have to admit, I've been eating horrible the past month! Oh goodness...too much fast food, but watching Fast Food Nation has pretty much cured me of eating a lot of fast food lately. It was a pretty good movie, and if you ever want to see what goes into your burgers, well....you probably won't want to eat a lot of burgers after seeing this movie.

Now, I just need to find more ways to eat healthy. For one, I think I need more fish in my diet. Fish is really good stuff. And secondly, more vegetables. This is the hard part! I generally loathe veggies. I don't suppose anyone has some good veggie recipes out there to make them palatable? Otherwise, it's back to salady goodness!

Spooky!

So I'm a big fan of Wikipedia and yesterday I was browsing through some entries when a name popped in my head to do some research on--Kurt Waldheim. I'm not sure why it popped in my head, but I decided to check it out. I remember him being some sort of ambassasdor but I couldn't remember what.

I did some research on him and found out that he has been pretty much ostracized because of lapses in his history during WWII that and possible Nazi ties. I remember reading the guy was way old! I also learned he was Secretary General of the UN back in the 1980s.

Now the eerie thing...today he died!

Yesterday, he was quite alive and in fact was the oldest living Secretary General of the UN, and now today he croaked. Very weird! I hope I don't look up anyone else and find out they croak the day after I find out some information about them.

Anyone else had any creepy experiences like this?

Pride Day

I spent much of my day on Saturday down at the Pride Day festival in downtown Indy. It was quite the event! At first, I was going there to meet Jen and help her friend Stephanie move to a new apartment. That was all fine and cool and afterwards, we enjoyed a nice pizza on Mass Ave out on their patio. It was totally a beautiful day.

Afterwards, we walked down to the War Memorial Park where the celebrations were going on. There were people everywhere! It felt so good seeing so many couples out there and so many people just having a blast to the music.

I dropped Jen and her frend off and then came back and met up with some coworkers an hour later. It was way cool to get to see them here and some of them had never seen me out and about so it must've been a bit of a change for them.

Another surreal thing was seeing protesters there, with all kinds of signs deploring Gay Pride as an abomination before God, and steps queer people can take to change their ways. I can't remember having been somewhere where people were actively protesting against my beliefs and I have to say it felt good. I wanted to run over there and hug each of those Fundies, and let them know that I love them, even though they are so misguided in their ways.

With a nice SPF 15 lotion and my cute straw hat, I was able to avoid the sun's evil burning ouchiness. I will have to remember this for my trip out to Pittsburgh this coming July! That sun can't keep me away from fun.

Autumn

There is no time of the year I love more than autumn. I absolutely hate spring and summer and I'm not sure why that is. I am sure it has something to do with hating the sun, but also more with the fact that I have some wonderful memories in my life that always happen in autumn.

First, it's got my favorite holiday--Halloween. Second, the weather is perfect in autumn, and the leaves begin to fall from the trees and everything becomes nice and cooler out from the scorching summer. I find the sun looks more beautiful in autumn and the sunsets and sunrises are much more vivid.

Finally, people come into my life in autumn. I am not sure why this is, but I am always meeting people around this time of the year. I think since I love the month so much, I open myself up more to people. I'm really looking forward to autumn this year and getting to spend Halloween in Pittsburgh :)

Anyway, this is just my ode to autumn and how much I miss those few months, which are always my favorite months of the year. And with global warming being as it is, I think I can comfortably add December to the season. :)

Let it Be

Life.

It's amazing how quickly it passes you buy.

Looking back on my life, I can see how many interesting changes have occurred just within the past 10 years. Within the past 5 years, the changes are even more dramatic. I lost friends and I've gained friends.

I've had so many viewpoints that I once held so dear, turned upside down on their heads. I was once a deeply conservative bigoted right-wing Christian, and now I'm a radical liberal who openly loves and is fascinated by and respects so many different religions. I was once consumed by collecting all sorts of things, and now I could care less about all my meager possessions, save for some sentimental ones.

Change.

Expand your ideas. Expand your horizon. Believe beyond yourself, and you will find that out there is an amazing world out there. Trust everyone, be kind to everyone and life will give back to you in so many ways.

Wanderlust.

I know some people who have never left the confines of their hometown. There are so many places I've been and thousands more I'd love to visit in the future. To see different people, to be around different people from different cultures opens your mind to so many possibilities.

Love.

Never close yourself off to love and loving. Even the people who have hurt you the most in life, deserve your love. It's easy to be kind to those who are kind back to you. It's so much harder to love those who wrong you. And those who do love you, and those you love, love them every day like it was the last day you are going to see each other. Never take for granted those whom you love.

Doing Great!

Well things have been pretty well here for me. I got a temprorary promotion at work which is leaving me in charge of our little department for several months. If I do a good job, it'll look great on a resume'. I love management, but I think thte worst part is that the responsibility for everything rests on your shoulders when you are in charge. This is what motivates people to be better managers, hopefully!

My book is going well too. I'm prety excited with the direction it is going. Lately, I hadn't been too inspired, but I have flurries of activities and that rocks!

Otherwise, my free time is spent in World of Warcraft. It is an evil world that draws you in and won't let you go! Oh well! At least it's a fun evil world.

Another thing is that lately I've been watching a lot of Monica's work for class and I just can't beleive how awesome and talented she is. She's using a lot of tools that the game industry uses and it's amazing some of the things she is coming up with video/3D modelling wise! I'm so proud of her! I can't wait to see more of her work too.

Wacky Dreams Continue

This was an interesting series of dreams last night.

The first part, I was in a cabin with some other girls...one of which was Monica and our cabin was slowly falling to earth! Anyway, somehow we had an idea to deploy some sorts of parachutes from the cabin roof and our cabin started to glide and drift ever so slowly. Outside the windows, it was snowing as the tree branches swayed in the dreamy wind.

The next scene, we had landed and I got the idea of making up a sorority for the girls in the cabin so we could keep in touch. For some reason, I came up with the "Satin Sorority" as only a dumb blonde can come up with. Then I tried to come up with our greek letters, and came up with "Iota Pi", but I thought that would not be good because it was too close to I Eat a Pie (which would be great aside from the naughty connotations).

Then I was in a big gaming convention center, wandering around. I walked by my old guy friends who were citing in a outdoor patio setting and they totally ignored me as if I didn't exist. This was a first for my dreams, and hopefully a good turning point as my mind realizes they are gone and are happy to let them be. Then, I walked by some young kids who were trying to play the Top Secret RPG about spies and secret agents and I was like, "I used to play that." But then I got up from them and left and made my way to the windows of the center and saw a whole bunch of people outside in a huge swimming pool having fun on inflatable tubes and partying. I opened the glass door and walked out and slipped into, smiling as the partygoers welcomed me into the pool.

Ma Vie en Rose

Sometimes you watch a movie that is so beautiful and touching that you just go 'wow' afterwards. Ma Vie en Rose is an older movie and nearly impossible to find at any of the stores, but I was lucky to find a copy at a library and got to see this foreign gem. It's about Ludovic and how he sees himself as a girl. The movie is basically all about his family, neighbors and friends reactions to this revelation and the little twists that go with it. It is heartbreaking and heartwarming all at once as the family's status crumbles all because of something so innocent and sweet.

If you get the chance to check this movie out, go for it.

To Finish a World

I need to get back on track!

My novel is not progressing much other than a few pages. The important thing to do is just get this thing done! It's going to be a long book, and I'm not sure if I should split it up, but write now I just need to start writing.

Where is the motivation? Apparently you can finish a book in about a year with only 1-2 hours a night of solid effort. I think I need to start making time for myself in a better way.

The sad thing is, I know I have a good story. I just need to actually do it. Having an idea and having the fortitude to actually write it out are two very different things.

Again, it's motivation that's the problem. I need to get motivated! Growl!

Sermon on the Mount

I consider myself a very liberal Christian. I don't believe in much of the Bible--basically only the Gospels as they are the true core of what Jesus said and did during his lifetime. The gospels contain one of the most beautiful stretches of literature that I have read, the Sermon on the Mount.

If every Christian simply ignored the rest of the Bible and lived by the words in this Sermon by Jesus, we would have a beautiful world that we live in. Tragically, most Christians will never understand the implications of this sermon. For one:

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

It is hard to live like this. It is so much easier to hate. Hate comes naturally when people wrong us or do bad things to us. Think of how our supposed "Christian Nation" would really respond to such things? Our macho culture is taught that being passive is wrong. Being beaten up and not responding is wrong. Our culture admires and even encourages revenge...and yet here Jesus lets us know in plain talk that that's not the right road if you want to be a Christian.

There are so many good lessons from this Sermon on how to be a good Christian. To greet the bad things that happen to us in life with grace and to offer warmth and love when greeted by hate and anger. Jesus turned much of the Old Testament on its head with his sayings and teachings during this sermon...so why do people still quote Leviticus anymore? Jesus said that everyone in our life deserves love...and most especially the people who don't like us or the people whom we don't like.

To my old friends that abandoned me, I love you. I wish you only the best and even though it hurts everytime I think of you, you will always be in my heart till my last breath.

To those that I've wronged in the past, I hope that you can forgive me for not realizing how wonderful you were and what a bad example of person I was.

All the Goodness

Things have been pretty good here lately. The only thing is that I've been feeling a bit crampy in my kidney area and it has hurt a bit to sleep at night. So the other day I went to the doctors to get some blood tests done for various issues, and they all came up negative. Now they want to give my bladders an ultrasound....I'm a bit leary about doing this as it probably will cost me a fortune and my health insurance sucks ass. I am sure it will cost like a bajillion dollars and most of it will be out of my pocket. So, we'll see though! I have until Monday to decide if I want to reschedule or not.

I've lost a few pounds lately by eating better and doing some simple treadmill walking. I love our treadmill and it is really useful during the winter and when you just don't feel like going out. Even better, you can watch TV while you jog or walk on the thing! How can you beat that...exercising AND being a couch potato?

Estrogen Madness

I am beginning to believe that dreams really may not have much meaning and are simply mentally induced madness and fun by your brain. I guess sometimes maybe dreams can mean something, but after last night, I am not so sure anymore.

Last night, I had a series of dreams, strung together in no discernable way, but I will try to highlight them simply to show how absurd it was:

• A time where a friend and I switched from playing Warcraft to apparently playing Live Action Everquest 2 and we were running along various islands killing things and solving quests.


• Living in a new home with a crazy Yorkshire terrier who went around and peed everywhere. I kept trying to clean up after him.


• Monica's husband buying me a set of transformers, including some strange green construction-like ones that shot Juicy-Fruit sticks out of a rocket launcher


• Going to a dinner party with twenty other girls in a strange outdoor courtyard and the meal portions were really small. The plates kept passing around in odd directions and ended up meeting at mine. After dinner, we all had to take our shoes off and head to a living room area to do Dance Dance Revolution.


• Zombie sex. This was too disturbing for me to even describe.


• Walking in on my old friends as they were sitting down drinking beers on a screened porch and arguing about D&D rules.

Easter Goodness

I didn't have a very exciting Easter, but when I came to work yesterday, there was a very inconspicuous package lying on my desk. inside, was a basket of goodies! A certain special Monica got me the most awesome basket ever, including lots of chocolate to ruin my diet, and of course kickass World of Warcraft figurines, which are doing battle and/or posing a variety of homoerotic positions on my desk.

And I also got the coolest Kobold t-shirt ever! I will totally take a photo of it on later and post here.

I must say, Monica rules! OH yes she does.....

Stupid Skin!

For the past week I have looked like a leper! I had some cryosurgery on my right hand to remove several splotches that were pre-cancerous. For the first few days, they started to bulge up into blistery ickiness. It was horror to say the least! I should've called George Romero to be a zombie hand model.

Now, they are bright red icky splotches as the skin heals. It really sucks and I can't very well go out and have too much lately because of them.

Being fair skinned has been pretty much a horrible curse I am thinking. I am in my early thirties and already experiencing all of this horror. I can't even imagine what the next thirty years has to offer for my skin. Needless to say, I don't go out in the sun anymore. I just can't chance aggravating whatever wicked things lie beneath my epidermis.

Confidence

I've realized how wonderful I have it in life.

I have love beyond any imagining.
I have my health.
I have friends and friendships I could never have imagined before.
I have confidence in who I am.

And while I have no idea what the future may hold, I know I won't have to face whatever happens alone.

Life is beautiful.

Best Weekend Evah!

I keep saying everytime I get to see Monica that it's the best weekend ever, but no really this time it just keeps getting better!

I think this is the first time anyone has ever come out here to see me other than my family, and it was so humbling and yet so amazing! We spent Friday evening out on the town. We stopped by P.F. Chang's for dinner. It was my first time there and I have to say that was really good chinese food! That night we went to the Symphony downtown and oh what an experience.

Saturday, we went down to the Circle Center Mall, and needless to say it was a freaking zoo downtown. Holy cow! There was some sort of monster truck rally or supercross event that makes people come out in droves. We had lunch at a nice little place in the mall and then went to watch 300. What a movie, and even better company!

Later that evening we headed out on the town with Jen and went to eat with her at Bucca di Beppo's. The food was insanely yummy and so was the fun. Afterwards, we went for a stroll down the canal downtown all together. When the mosquitos got too bad, we headed out and down to Talbott's Street for some drinks and a show!

All in all, it was an unforgettable time of coolness and squee. OH so much squee!

A Jagged Little Pill

I'm not a totally huge fan of music. I love to listen to it, but like TV, I can take it or leave it.

There are, though, certain times when youare listening to albums that they speak to you on a level that makes you simply go "wow", or you change your outlook on everything. One such album which rocked my world was Jagged Little Pill.

There was a sense of rage, pain, frustration, and release that made this album change the way I view things. I think it was at this time, in 1995, when things with me sort of began their long spiral. The feelings brought out in this album, the pain of a Fundamentalist upbringing, the feminist rage, the angst and sorrow, led me to search myself and eventually I may have discovered too much that I didn't want to know about myself prior to transition. Only a year later, I joined the military to get away from all the chaos going on in my mind and life surrounding gender and hopelessness.

I can't obviously tie this one album as the cause of everything, but the music and the feelings it invoked provided me more opportunities to reflect on things, which were too scary at the time to deal with.

Have you ever had albums that changed your life in some way?

Flying in Circles

I've been reading through my old blog and noticed a distinct and rather abrupt halt to the wonderful feelings I was having through the first year of my transition. My daily posts for that first year were full of hope and joy and daily wonders at the changes occurring.

Around the beginning to mid of March 2006, things went down hill as doubt and insecurity set in--from what happened at my workplace to the abrupt loss of my close circle of friends that I'd had since childhood.

Following that, I noticed that I lost confidence in what I had been doing, and began to rationalize away things I thought I could do without. I was even almost ready to give up transition altogether recently, thinking that maybe you could just get over it.

Transition is a painful experience, and yet it's supposed to be a positive experience where you can finally be who you are. I seemed to have lost myself in all this, and lost the perspectives of why I transitioned in the firstplace and instead have taken to rationalizing or ignoring things that are important to take care of. It was only recently that depression began to set in as well--something I had nearly vanquished when I made the decision to transition.

Not everythng is bad! I have love in my life unlike anything I've known before. I have a stronger relationship with my parents as well, although I wonder if I am secretly just catering to their expectations.

Needless to say I'm very confused, and moreso I'm stuck. I think much of it has to do with my workplace and I really need to find a new job where I can be myself. This means applying for jobs, and reaching out over the fears of losing my current job. It means I need to be myself more and that may mean changes that I'm scared to make.

How to Drive in Phoenix

My parents sent me this and I thought Nexy would get a kick out of it. Tragically, everything on here is 100% accurate:

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name. It is "FEE-NICKS".

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number.Anything less is considered "wussy".

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone...ever! Seriously! It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road. SR-202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street, too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. I-17 is also called The Black Canyon Freeway, as well as The Veterans Memorial Highway. If all that isn't enough to remember, SR-51 has recently been renamed Piestewa Freeway because Squaw Peak Parkway was too easy to pronounce. SR-101 is also the Pima FWY, except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, and The Veterans Memorial HWY, west of I-17, it is known as the Agua Fria FWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd., but Cactus Rd. does not become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead-ends at a mountain.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands

Dreamy Days

I had another set of dreams last night that are just weird as all get out. I am wondering if it is because of my new diet that I'm having such vivid dreams, or if it's because I'm losing my mind! Maybe it's a combo of both?

In the first one, my old friends back home finally took me back in and it felt like such a relief. One of them even hugged me and accepted me as me. It was so strange, and yet every inch of me wanted it to be true. The feeling of relief and acceptance nearly made me cry, and yet it was all but a dream.

The second dream, I was with Monica and Jen and some other girls I can't remember very well and sitting at a table at a bar/restaurant with them and we were having a good time talking and being together. Then some guys started coming up to us and I guess I was kind of shy or awkward, but one of them eventually stared into my face and said, "Are you trans?" At that moment, I just kind of looked away and down into the table, and then the other guys started looking a bit shocked at my non-answer and started going, "Oh dude, I told you she was!" They started laughing between themselves and then the dream ended.

Fun and Life

Have you ever just had a bad day and you get kind of depressed about how life is going? Well the perfect and eerie remedy for me is to go shopping. I know it's probably not healthy, but it seems to cure being depressed rather quickly. I don't even have to buy anything, though getting some clothes to try on does help.

I guess the point for me is that when I'm in a depressed rut, get out and do something! Anything! So while shopping, I got 3 cute tank tops, some new black boots that look great, and a brown casual top.

Over the weekend, I was supposed to see Jen on Saturday, but it started sleeting horribly so I had to turn back. I tried going out in it, but my car was fishtailing all over the place so I decided to turn back home and just chill.

My hands and wrists have been healing up nicely and aren't too sore, so I hope I can get back to video game fun sometime soon.

Serious About Surgery

I've come to the conclusion that I need to get some plastic surgery done, and I need to begin working to make it happen soon. It will be expensive, but right now, I am not happy with my looks. The hormones can only go so far, and now things I don't really like are starting to become more obvious in my eyes.

First off, the hairline. It has to be fixed. There is no ifs ands or buts. It looks absolutely shockingly horrendous when a good breeze blows it back, or after getting out of the shower. It is also preventing me from wearing my hair in certain ways and it looks horribly thin in all the photos from side angles....so thin that you can see my glasses' stems through it. This is priority one, and I will get this done ASAP!

And since I'll be under the knife, there are 1-2 other things I could do. I am thinking of getting a nose job to correct my dislike of that. I have my mom's nose and it drives me crazy! Also, I would love to get breast augmentation. They currently are not of the size that suits my body frame the best.

I know I shouldn't be insecure like this, but it does suck feeling this kind of despair at times.

Cabin Fever

Oh God! I have Cabin Fever, though I don't have any flesh eating virii around the house. I'm stuck in our house. Our garage door is broke and we are snowed in. I spent all day yesterday shovelling snow, and was exhausted! That's no fun at all. On top of that, my wrists are ready to explode. I have a horrible case of carpal-tunnel syndrome that keeps flaring up in my right wrist mostly.

On the bright side, I was so loved on Valentine's Day! YAY! Love is such a wonderful thing :)

Special Day!

Some particular cutie sent me a beautiful Valentine's Day gift package! Yummy chocolate....sniful chocolate actually, and a gorgeous silver dragonfly bracelet! I'm wearing the bracelet right now and it is so lovely. Thank you, Monica. You are amazing, sweetheart!

I have also spent the past few days suffering from my hands and wrists being numb and tingling with pain, so I have been trying to cut down on my computer use. I think all those weeks of World of Warcraft did me in, and I need a break. So if you see me not typing on here or on other blogs frequently, it is because my wrists are in healing mode.

Finding the Focus

It was another good weekend. Friday night, I got to spend some of the evening with Jennifer at our normal Panera hangout. She's recovering from being sick, as it seems a lot of people I know are! Poor Monica! Anyway, I got to see lots of pictures of her trip to Thailand and some of her family photos. It was really nice getting to spend some time with her.

Saturday and Sunday were good too. Sunday, I got to enjoy the Super Bowl with a couple friends and we got to enjoy the lovely noise of happy Hoosiers yelling and launching fireworks throughout the whole state. The game was pretty fun to watch, and the ads were pretty good this year.

I am finding more and more that video games are more of a distraction from doing what I need to do in life and I need to find a way to ween away from the ones that cause a huge commitment of time. I should never feel I need to be on a game or meet raid times or whatever that the fun MMORPGS require you to do to defeat the high end content. I absolutely must begin finishign my novel and working on getting a better job and starting my Master's degree. I also need to work on personal issues that just are being neglected because of too many long hours glued on that machine.

To help, I seemed to have developed a bad case of carpal tunnel in my right arm/wrist by using the mouse too much the past two weeks. I had to take the weekend off from playing and now it doesn't feel bad, but I dfon't want it to get to that point again.

It's time to get busy finishing things I am working on in life and focus on them!

Carcassonne

For my birthday, some sweetie got me this board game :) Yes, it is an absolutely wonderful game that I've been playing a lot lately. The game doesn't take too long to play with 2 players, and it is really fun as you
use a combination of strategy and tactics to score points by building cities, farms and roads and placing little "meeples" on them. Every turn, you draw tiles and build a big map area which looks different every single game. You can play nicely or you can play competitively, and so far nicely seems to work better.

I've picked up a couple tiny expansions for the game already, most of which just add more unique tiles to the game. Thankfully, the expansions for this game are really cheap!

So if you are looking for a good board game to play with friends, this is a good pick. It doesn't take long at all to learn, and it is a good fun way to spend an evening.

Children

There is so much conflicting inside me right now about children. I am at the point in life where I want children, and tragically with what I am going through I'm not sure I can have children. Then there is adoption. Adoption is expensive and a very arduous process, but something we can do if we can't have children.

I guess I'm not sure if I want children for selfish reasons of simply passing on a part of myself to another generation or if I want children for the joy of helping another life grow up in this world. Maybe I'm analyzing too much? Maybe life just happens one day and you need to deal with it? Though with my current life that is pretty doubtful! I can't seem to reassure myself that it is ok to live a life without children. I feel that I'll be letting my parents and family down by being childless. I also keep fretting or the fact I may be missing out on one of the greatest joys of life.

Whatever the answer is, I am coming of the age now that I need to do something about these feelings.

What a week!

I've had the best birthday week ever! I guess it's called a week because I had blessings come in all week long from people. A special thanks, and much love to Monica for making this week all the more special.

I realize now how wonderful life is. I guess you never really grasp it until things are going well in your life. I have very few worries, lots of love, lots of hope, lots of joy, a job I enjoy and most of all good health.

So even at this ripe age, I have so much to look forward to and I can't wait to experience all the fun that life has to offer.

On the down side, World of Warcraft is back with a new expansion and I have probably been playing it too much. I need to scale that back for times with friends and family. You gotta have a balance in there!

So Loved!

I am the luckiest girl in the world....nay the whole universe! Never before in my life have I been so loved and cared for and felt so in love. I feel inspired, so inspired and no one else has ever made me feel so....simply blessed.

Words here cannot do justice to the way I feel.

Weekend Goodness

What an awesome weekend I had!

Friday night, I spent the evening with some friends from work. We played a neat game called Carcassonne. You spend your turns drawing little tiles and placing little people on various tile sin special ways in order to score points. There's no dice rolling or drawing cards and the game relies a lot on strategy. It was very fun. We then went out to dinner and had a nice bite to eat.

Saturday was spent lounging, shopping and going out and of course spending some time on the computer.

Today, I spent the day doing a lot of cleaning. Way too much cleaning in fact because we had some guests over to play another great game of Zombies. Yes. Zombies. We had an epic marathon of a game and it was quite fun! Our friends are quite enjoying this game and it really is a great game the more people you have.

The Evils of Laundry

I don't hate doing laundry. Thankfully, I have a nice washing machine and dryer and don't have to go to a laundromat to do it.

What I do hate is how my clothes end up after a few loads of laundry! No matter what delicate settings or even sometimes by avoiding the dryer altogether, clothes just end up not as nice as they were when you buy them. It's a real bummer, especially for sweaters! Sweaters start to lose that soft feeling and blouses start to end up feeling starchy and faded (even with no starch added!) I wonder if the culprit is fabric softener? Or is it the detergent I'm using?! I need something more gentle I guess or maybe we need a new washer.

I guess it must be a real slow day if the only thing I can think of is laundry to talk about, but I'm in a really unhappy with the way this sweater feels, especially when a few months ago it was so happy and soft!

Getting Over It

My old friends that abandoned me last year keep cropping up in my dreams and in my mind. No matter what I try, I can't seem to get over them or to stop trying to reach out to them. I almost would like something out of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where I could just erase it all out of my mind, but then I would lose all the wonderful memories and fun we had.

How do you deal with the pain of caring about people who won't talk to you anymore? I can't stop caring and reaching out isn't going to work. How do you live knowing that nearly 10 people have just totally written you off in one fell swipe? It is just a horrible situation to be in and it's beyond my control to do anything about it.

Like the message of Brokeback Mountain, "If you can't fix it, you gotta stand it."

Resolutions

My New Year started in the most wonderful ways possible among great friends and family on the first few days and I hope this trend continues for this coming year.

I look back on 2006 and see so many blessedl times that I have to explicitly say that it was the best year of my life. While I lost lots of old friends at the beginning of the year and was given an ultimatum that nearly ended my job, the rest of the year only got better.

I built stronger relationships with those who know me for me, I went out to meet people, I learned more about myself than I had ever imagined, I adapted to problems, I had a wonderful time with my parents, and last but certainly not least, I found love and happiness! I am blessed beyond any stretch of the imagination.

This year, I have a few resolutions I'd like to keep:

• Get far along in writing my book.
• Spend less money on eating out this year. I spend way too much at work!
• Continue my diet and stay fit.

This year should be wonderful and thank you everyone for a divine 2006!

A Weekend to Remember

I had the most awesome weekend ever!

I got to finally see Monica again and we had a blast and got to talk and have a so much fun hanging out. Oh so much fun!

What did we do?! Well, what didn't we do?! We killed zombies on the Xbox 360, went shopping at great stores, went out to enjoy a wonderful evening at a place called Dave & Busters, watched awesome and scary movies like The Descent and Silent Hill, nursed sick kitties back to health, played a board game called Clue, Museum Caper several fun times, went out to breakfast at a yummy pancake place, exchanged wonderful Christmas gifts, had a delicious breakfast cooked by wonderful Monica with sticky buns included, ate Chinese for dinner, and to top it all off, we spent New years with Monica's friends and played a wicked cool Zombie board game and ate pizza!

It was quite a few days full of the most joy and happiness that I can remember, all packed into a singularity of bliss! Life has been so good to me and Monica and her hubby are the best hosts ever. What a way to ring in the New Year than with so many good times and memories and warmth that will always be in my heart.