Lately, through too much online game playing and the realization of wonderful friends in my life, I've realized I've lost my way in transition.
Among things, I've slowed down my regimen of medication in a holding pattern. I also really stopped caring about my weight. I also stopped really pursuing the things I need to do in order to make my life the one I want to live...instead...I settled into monotony and habit, rather than change.
I realize now how it happens....it happens one small step at a time. It's never a big change. Tiny bits of apathy pile up until you get off the side of the road or on another path and look over at where you are supposed to be and say, "What the hell am I doing over here?"
When I look in the mirror, I don't see that woman I saw just months ago or even a year or two ago who was going through transition. I see the old me from many years back and it's scary. I have a lot of work to do to get back on track and I'm going to have to make some changes that are really going to suck.
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4 comments:
Sweetheart,
You are never ever alone in pursuing your hopes and dreams. I am here for you, whatever you need, whenever you need it. I want all good things in life for you. Most of all, I want you to love yourself as much as I love you.
You are the best, Monica!
*hug*
Also keep in mind, Colleeny, that not all of transition is related to physical changes and discipline. Over the past year you’ve been learning, I hope, to respect yourself and to realize that you are so very very loved and so very very worthy of love. You’ve been learning what it’s like to have friends, to see yourself in the eyes of those who care for you, as well as to accept that you are not alone in life, transition, and all the ups and downs therein. This may not always be the kind of progress you can see reflected in the mirror, but it IS progress, and it’s as important to your growth and survival as a person- as a woman- as any medication or surgery.
I find that whether I see my old me or the real me in the mirror has more to do with my emotional state than my physical appearance. When I'm feeling depressed, or worse, I hurry and put on my makeup and avoid eye contact with myself. Later in the day if I can shake the blues for a minute, and then happen to check a reflection someplace, sometimes i'm back. =) I know you from only your blog and from Monica, but from that I know your heart, at least the part of your heart that you expose. And it's beautiful! =)
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