I've realized how wonderful I have it in life.
I have love beyond any imagining.
I have my health.
I have friends and friendships I could never have imagined before.
I have confidence in who I am.
And while I have no idea what the future may hold, I know I won't have to face whatever happens alone.
Life is beautiful.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
Best Weekend Evah!
I keep saying everytime I get to see Monica that it's the best weekend ever, but no really this time it just keeps getting better!
I think this is the first time anyone has ever come out here to see me other than my family, and it was so humbling and yet so amazing! We spent Friday evening out on the town. We stopped by P.F. Chang's for dinner. It was my first time there and I have to say that was really good chinese food! That night we went to the Symphony downtown and oh what an experience.
Saturday, we went down to the Circle Center Mall, and needless to say it was a freaking zoo downtown. Holy cow! There was some sort of monster truck rally or supercross event that makes people come out in droves. We had lunch at a nice little place in the mall and then went to watch 300. What a movie, and even better company!
Later that evening we headed out on the town with Jen and went to eat with her at Bucca di Beppo's. The food was insanely yummy and so was the fun. Afterwards, we went for a stroll down the canal downtown all together. When the mosquitos got too bad, we headed out and down to Talbott's Street for some drinks and a show!
All in all, it was an unforgettable time of coolness and squee. OH so much squee!
I think this is the first time anyone has ever come out here to see me other than my family, and it was so humbling and yet so amazing! We spent Friday evening out on the town. We stopped by P.F. Chang's for dinner. It was my first time there and I have to say that was really good chinese food! That night we went to the Symphony downtown and oh what an experience.
Saturday, we went down to the Circle Center Mall, and needless to say it was a freaking zoo downtown. Holy cow! There was some sort of monster truck rally or supercross event that makes people come out in droves. We had lunch at a nice little place in the mall and then went to watch 300. What a movie, and even better company!
Later that evening we headed out on the town with Jen and went to eat with her at Bucca di Beppo's. The food was insanely yummy and so was the fun. Afterwards, we went for a stroll down the canal downtown all together. When the mosquitos got too bad, we headed out and down to Talbott's Street for some drinks and a show!
All in all, it was an unforgettable time of coolness and squee. OH so much squee!
Monday, March 19, 2007
A Jagged Little Pill
I'm not a totally huge fan of music. I love to listen to it, but like TV, I can take it or leave it.There are, though, certain times when youare listening to albums that they speak to you on a level that makes you simply go "wow", or you change your outlook on everything. One such album which rocked my world was Jagged Little Pill.
There was a sense of rage, pain, frustration, and release that made this album change the way I view things. I think it was at this time, in 1995, when things with me sort of began their long spiral. The feelings brought out in this album, the pain of a Fundamentalist upbringing, the feminist rage, the angst and sorrow, led me to search myself and eventually I may have discovered too much that I didn't want to know about myself prior to transition. Only a year later, I joined the military to get away from all the chaos going on in my mind and life surrounding gender and hopelessness.
I can't obviously tie this one album as the cause of everything, but the music and the feelings it invoked provided me more opportunities to reflect on things, which were too scary at the time to deal with.
Have you ever had albums that changed your life in some way?
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Flying in Circles
I've been reading through my old blog and noticed a distinct and rather abrupt halt to the wonderful feelings I was having through the first year of my transition. My daily posts for that first year were full of hope and joy and daily wonders at the changes occurring.
Around the beginning to mid of March 2006, things went down hill as doubt and insecurity set in--from what happened at my workplace to the abrupt loss of my close circle of friends that I'd had since childhood.
Following that, I noticed that I lost confidence in what I had been doing, and began to rationalize away things I thought I could do without. I was even almost ready to give up transition altogether recently, thinking that maybe you could just get over it.
Transition is a painful experience, and yet it's supposed to be a positive experience where you can finally be who you are. I seemed to have lost myself in all this, and lost the perspectives of why I transitioned in the firstplace and instead have taken to rationalizing or ignoring things that are important to take care of. It was only recently that depression began to set in as well--something I had nearly vanquished when I made the decision to transition.
Not everythng is bad! I have love in my life unlike anything I've known before. I have a stronger relationship with my parents as well, although I wonder if I am secretly just catering to their expectations.
Needless to say I'm very confused, and moreso I'm stuck. I think much of it has to do with my workplace and I really need to find a new job where I can be myself. This means applying for jobs, and reaching out over the fears of losing my current job. It means I need to be myself more and that may mean changes that I'm scared to make.
Around the beginning to mid of March 2006, things went down hill as doubt and insecurity set in--from what happened at my workplace to the abrupt loss of my close circle of friends that I'd had since childhood.
Following that, I noticed that I lost confidence in what I had been doing, and began to rationalize away things I thought I could do without. I was even almost ready to give up transition altogether recently, thinking that maybe you could just get over it.
Transition is a painful experience, and yet it's supposed to be a positive experience where you can finally be who you are. I seemed to have lost myself in all this, and lost the perspectives of why I transitioned in the firstplace and instead have taken to rationalizing or ignoring things that are important to take care of. It was only recently that depression began to set in as well--something I had nearly vanquished when I made the decision to transition.
Not everythng is bad! I have love in my life unlike anything I've known before. I have a stronger relationship with my parents as well, although I wonder if I am secretly just catering to their expectations.
Needless to say I'm very confused, and moreso I'm stuck. I think much of it has to do with my workplace and I really need to find a new job where I can be myself. This means applying for jobs, and reaching out over the fears of losing my current job. It means I need to be myself more and that may mean changes that I'm scared to make.
Friday, March 9, 2007
How to Drive in Phoenix
My parents sent me this and I thought Nexy would get a kick out of it. Tragically, everything on here is 100% accurate:
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name. It is "FEE-NICKS".
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number.Anything less is considered "wussy".
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone...ever! Seriously! It's another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road. SR-202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street, too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. I-17 is also called The Black Canyon Freeway, as well as The Veterans Memorial Highway. If all that isn't enough to remember, SR-51 has recently been renamed Piestewa Freeway because Squaw Peak Parkway was too easy to pronounce. SR-101 is also the Pima FWY, except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, and The Veterans Memorial HWY, west of I-17, it is known as the Agua Fria FWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd., but Cactus Rd. does not become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead-ends at a mountain.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name. It is "FEE-NICKS".
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number.Anything less is considered "wussy".
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone...ever! Seriously! It's another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road. SR-202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street, too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. I-17 is also called The Black Canyon Freeway, as well as The Veterans Memorial Highway. If all that isn't enough to remember, SR-51 has recently been renamed Piestewa Freeway because Squaw Peak Parkway was too easy to pronounce. SR-101 is also the Pima FWY, except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, and The Veterans Memorial HWY, west of I-17, it is known as the Agua Fria FWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd., but Cactus Rd. does not become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead-ends at a mountain.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Dreamy Days
I had another set of dreams last night that are just weird as all get out. I am wondering if it is because of my new diet that I'm having such vivid dreams, or if it's because I'm losing my mind! Maybe it's a combo of both?
In the first one, my old friends back home finally took me back in and it felt like such a relief. One of them even hugged me and accepted me as me. It was so strange, and yet every inch of me wanted it to be true. The feeling of relief and acceptance nearly made me cry, and yet it was all but a dream.
The second dream, I was with Monica and Jen and some other girls I can't remember very well and sitting at a table at a bar/restaurant with them and we were having a good time talking and being together. Then some guys started coming up to us and I guess I was kind of shy or awkward, but one of them eventually stared into my face and said, "Are you trans?" At that moment, I just kind of looked away and down into the table, and then the other guys started looking a bit shocked at my non-answer and started going, "Oh dude, I told you she was!" They started laughing between themselves and then the dream ended.
In the first one, my old friends back home finally took me back in and it felt like such a relief. One of them even hugged me and accepted me as me. It was so strange, and yet every inch of me wanted it to be true. The feeling of relief and acceptance nearly made me cry, and yet it was all but a dream.
The second dream, I was with Monica and Jen and some other girls I can't remember very well and sitting at a table at a bar/restaurant with them and we were having a good time talking and being together. Then some guys started coming up to us and I guess I was kind of shy or awkward, but one of them eventually stared into my face and said, "Are you trans?" At that moment, I just kind of looked away and down into the table, and then the other guys started looking a bit shocked at my non-answer and started going, "Oh dude, I told you she was!" They started laughing between themselves and then the dream ended.
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