What a Time!

So over the past weekend I had another of the best times I've ever had! Getting to see Monica, Jeff and Laura and Josh was as good as it gets. Throughout my life I've always hoped to find such wonderful friends, and now to have friends who really care about me for me is the best gift I could have in life. I am so blessed.

When I arrived on Friday, we went out for a delicious Sushi extravaganza at Sushi Tomo. This place has the absolute best sushi ever! There were volcano rolls, Philly rolls, and caterpillar rolls to be had by all. The volcano roll is simply to die for.

That evening we watched Let the Right One In and Deep Rising. Let the Right One In was simply one of the most subtle and best vampire movies I've seen. The girl and boy in the film do such an amazing acting job. Deep Rising....welll is Deep Rising! You can't beat a movie with an undersea monster that digests people alive.

The next day we enjoyed a wonderful morning of shopping for last minute stuff, and watched Wall-E and *REC. OMG *REC is so freaking scary. It really never lets up and the ending is so good. Wall-E was simply a great classic! There is no other way to put it. I can't believe I didn;t get to catch it in the theaters because it was so awesome.

That evening we went to Josh and Laura's and it was the best time ever! Needless to say there were lotsa gifts, lotsa fun, and Fallout 3 and Transformers seemed to be the themes of the night. Speaking of Fallout 3, I have been playing it and will review it very soon!

This Christmas made me realize how blessed I am. I love my friends beyond any words and can't wait to see them again.

Love and Acceptance

This past weekend I went to Arizona to visit with my family. I decided that this time I would meet with them as myself...just me and not try to wear various clothes to accommodate them. Normally, I went kinda boyish, but not this time.

Surprisingly, my parents were fine with it. Our relationship got many times better over the weekend and it was another fun time with them. I hadn't seen them since Novemeber of 2006, so there were lots of physical changes, and yet they saw and respected me for who I am.

I am so fortunate and the fact that my transition has been so much longer than normal has probably played a part in this. They understand it's not a passing phase after 5-6 years. It was so good to relate with them and not feel like either them or me was walking on eggshells.

I really look forward to getting to see them again and in fact they are planning some sort of 40th wedding anniversary get together sometime next year. It's bound to be an amazing time!

Love is all you need!

I found a neat website that chronicles one man's journey to offer free hugs to anyone who wanted them. It's such a beautiful idea and I'd seen the video of this a few years back. He's also been on Oprah as well. It's such a simple concept, but there's so much more to it. A hug is such a powerful symbol. Sometimes, just that contact with another person is all you need to lift up your spirits or renew yourself.

This week also marks the arrival of the World of Warcraft expansion. My online friends are already playing it as we speak. Most have been up since they purchased the xpac at midnight! Now that's dedication! I guess if I was younger I would put in a marathon gaming session, but nowadays I can't bring myself to do that anymore. And while I love my cute little Night elf Druid and sexy Blood Elf warlock, it's going to take a bit to level them up.

Going to be a Bright, Sun-Shiney Day

I can hardly believe it happened, but it did. I am so proud to be an American today. We can really finally all come together now and make things work.

I was sitting in my bed last night watching the election results pour in and saw so much positive energy in the crowds and in the reporters. It was truly an historic night. As part of GLBT America, we are going to see some wonderful moves forward in equality and civil rights.

Confidence

I'm not sure if my new hormone regimen is doing the trick, or simply that life is just so wonderful and happy that I am on a permanent cloud 9. Either way, I have been feeling so good and my self esteem has been way up there recently.

It's amazing how it has all changed over the past years to where I truly appreciate where I am in my life right now.

On a side note but another neat turn, one of my coworkers is playing an older version of D&D--2nd edition to be exact. She didn't have any of the books, and interestingly enough, I have a collection of a few from my old days that are all worn out from playing through the years with my old friends that abandoned me.

Today, I brought them in and handed them to her with a smile. She was so happy and appreciative, and I'm happy to be close the cover on that old chapter of my life.

Interesting Dream

So I had a very interesting dream or dreams last night.

The first dream was very realistic and peculiar. It was in China and apparently I was a Chinese woman who was a supervisor at a nuclear waste disposal facility. Before the dream occurred, there was a prelude saying that 20-40 workers died from radiation exposure that occurred during the event. Then it went on to the dream where I am browsing through a massive warehouse with other workers. Suddenly, we spot a metal bin that has a huge puddle of watery stuff next to it.

I told everyone to get out. I'm screaming this in this weird high pitched girly voice and then I quick pull up my cell phone to call the Premier. I get his secretary on the phone and I'm shaking and nervous and she transfers me to him. After getting the cordials out of the way I let him know that there was an incident and he sounds really worried. We both seem to know that this is a horrible thing, and that's when the dream ended.

I get the impression that this was some sort of premonition or that maybe it did happen? I don't know why I would dream of myself as a Chinese woman, since that's never happened before. Who knows!

The last dream was really weird as well, but more in line with my normal dreams. I was over at Miley Cyrus and her friend's house with Monica and my dad. I was kinda sad because they were gearing up for homecoming and getting all dressed and pretty, while Monica and I weren't able to attend. My dad was very nice to Monica and I as Miley and her friend left and we were stuck in the house. Then the lights went out in the house and I lost track of both Monica and my dad.

A Special Day

These have been the best two years of my life bar none.

I could never imagined that love and life would bring to me such an amazing and blessed gift. Whatever happens in my life, I know that I am loved and love so much. All of the bad things and times in my distant past rarely haunt me anymore. There is only the love and warmth of the present and the beaming smile of a loving future.

A Father's Love

I checked my mail over the weekend and noticed a letter from my father, addressed to me with some really nice penmanship. It was a bit worried at first, but he had written me a rather beautiful and sad letter.

In the letter, he went over his misgivings and sadness at the way he raised me, feeling that he didn't bond with me enough. He asked for forgiveness and expressed his great sadness in what has turned into a basic misunderstanding and lack of friendship and communication on our part over the years. The letter ended with the most beautiful statement: "I will love you unconditionally until the day I die."

The next hour I re-read it, cried and reread it some more. I noticed my father has really beautiful handwriting and I don't think I've gotten anything like that from him before. I sensed so much anguish in sorrow in the letter that it hurt to know that he was going through how he must feel.

I called my mother and my dad happened to be out. I let her know that I was going to write him back and to tell him that I loved him and have never had any bad feelings or ill will toward him.

I ponder what to write back to him. He needs to know that he isn't responsible for how I am, and that I do love him and always will love him as well. I have tons of little fond memories of my dad and being with my dad, but also some scary ones as well. But, I've never hated him. I'm going to be visiting my family in early December so we are going to be able to talk more then too.

A Weekend to Remember

What a wonderful weekend it was! Well it was more than a weekend, but all the same, even though some bad things happened toward the end, it was certainly a great time.

Thursday was a Monica bonanza, and we had some ultra-delicious sushi from Sushi tomo. I also got to meet Melanie for the first time, and she is more awesome than even how awesome everyone was saying she is. It was also Monica and Jeffy's anniversary! We got to check out Laura and Josh's new place--it simply looks quite wonderful and I hope Laura's business flourishes there.

Friday, was followed up by even more awesomeness. Monica and I went to see Tropic Thunder and it was quite the movie. Tom Cruise was insanely funny in it and the whole movie is simply a riot. Mitchell's Fish Market was also another wonderful place to go, and the food was great, though the company was much better!

The crowning time (literally!) was at the Renaissance Faire on Saturday. I think there was like 10 of that went. I got to meet Dennis, Bill, Dr. Ned again, and Laura and Josh also showed up. Monica was the fairest ninja maiden and got so many compliments on her beautiful outfit (and her legs!). Jeff was a bard in some very cool studded armor, and I was a silly maiden in green. There were so many reasons this was the most special time of my life, and I have the ring to remind me every day of what life should be and what I need to strive for in love and life.

Returning home on Sunday, my poor Dodge Neon broke down in Dayton. It sucked! What sucked even worse was that it was a transmission problem, meaning oh around $2-3k to fix it back up. What a bummer. So we eventually had to trade the car in for whatever we could get for it and purchase a new car.

Monica and Jeff got me a wonderful gift of a guitar over the trip which I took advantage of beginning to learn while I had some downtime. They are so special to me that they want me to achieve all my dreams. I will work hard to make sure that their dreams come true too!

Lead Foot and Amusing Dream

Does lightning strike twice in the same spot? The answer is yes when it comes to speeding tickets at least. A certain stupid blonde has gotten two speeding tickets in the past 4 days. From never having a speeding ticket on my record to having 2, is a strange thing. So I need to start slowing down. I'm going to be paying up the wazoo for both of these and I'm sure my insurance rates will be going through the roof too. :(

On the other hand, I had a very interesting dream last night. I don't know if it's all the estrogen madness or whatever. Basically, Monica, Jeff and several other people and myself were invited into this huge home theater-type auditorium. On the screen, was a HUGE Pac-Man display that was also much wider than the normal Pac-Man board. We were all given joysticks and 8 people played Pac-Man characters and the other 8 people played ghosts. In essence, we were playing multiplayer Pac-Man and it was pretty fun in my dream at least. I remember Monica and I teaming up our Pac-Men on some hapless ghosts. It was WAY cool! The dream ended when a werewolf came through the auditorium and broke a bunch of glass bottles and joystick controllers. Damn werewolves keeping us from our fun!

When Transitions Go Bad

So last night on MSNBC they had an interesting show on a pair of individuals who began as men, changed sexes to women and then eventually went back to living as men. I was pretty interested in this program to see exactly how it would go and how they would portray things. One of the good things is they related that only about 1% of transpeople regret their transitions.

It was interesting to see these two individuals and hear how they went through transition. One, in a whirlwind of craziness transitioned super quick at age 40. The other, started transiton at 19, ended up married to several men and then divorced and then spent a lot of time alone.

Predictably, they make you wait until the end of the program to find out why they re-transitioned. Finally, it made sense. Both were influenced by their religions to retransition. One was Jewish and joined some group for ex-gays. The other joined a megachurch and wanted to fit in by following the 'word of God'. So there you have it. So basically it came down to peer pressure both times.

Sadly, one of the transitioners kept strangely referring to their old transitioned life be referring to them in the third person, which is weird. "Michelle used to like to wear this", or "Michelle used to do this." Dude....that's YOU that used to do that, idiot.

It was also amusing how when the one who transitioned at age 19 and after twenty years retransitioned mentioned how hard it had been to get down female mannerisms, but when he went back to living as a guy, it just came naturally. Well no kidding, dumbass. Wasn't that a hint you weren't REALLY a girl to begin with?

FFS

So I sent my photos off finally to one of the doctors I had been looking at to get checked out. Facial surgery is nothing to sneeze at and it can cost some crazy amounts depending on what surgeries you opt for and think you need. A lot of it is really subjective.

Personally, I think I need the works done, however the doctor I sent it to believes a forehead contouring/brow lift and scalp advance should do the trick. I was a bit surprised as most doctors will recommend the works from what I hear.

So, I am very excited now! Not only is this particular procedure very affordable, but I could do it pretty soon. This would make a very dramatic change in my life. Am I ready for it? Should I wait? I'm not sure but I'm definitely going to think this over.

Wage Slavery

An interesting concept to explore, is how in our American society there is a sort of wage slavery.

When you think about it, having a wage means you offer your freedoms up in order to work for some entity in order to produce a product or service. As am employee, you can be disciplined, managed, etc, and if you do not comply with what you contracted to sell yourself as, then you are let go.

If you are let go enough, you will have difficulty getting employment at anything but the basest of jobs, therefore it is in your interest to comply. Those who don't comply end up homeless and jobless.

Think of all the movies you've watched about factory life, various difficult jobs, life in the military, life in any corporate or retail job and you begin to see that the entire system is meant to drain you of your creativity and make you pliant and productive as whatever your occupation is. Even the goal of getting retirement at various places for a pension means you will have to offer to work for upwards of 10-20 years for a place. In essence, the system has been set up so that you make yourself a slave.

The exception to this is creativity and entrepreneurism. You can avoid the system by going out on your own as an artist or an entrepreneur, you avoid the system by being beholden to really no one other than anyone else who believes in what you are doing.

Musical Tastes

Music has never really played a big part of my life. I know some people who are so enraptured and enjoy music so much....they are the people who always have iPod cords framing their face nearly 24/7.

When I was growing up, I listened to pretty much crap! Anything I could hear on the radio was good enough for me. My parents didn't want me to listen to anything other than Christian music. High school was even a worse time for music. Between 1986 and 1990, there was a vacuum of horrible hair bands, Lionel Richie, Whitney Houston, New Kids on the Block and a variety of deplorable gunk.

It wasn't until college when my generation had their musical revolution, Grunge, that I became interested in music for real. Grunge was pretty angsty, but then again our generation had alot to be upset about with all the crappy music before it.

Lately, though, since transition, I've found solace in alot of the music before my birth. I love the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, CCR, and the music from the revolution that I feel most comfortable with...the Summer of Love. I wish I was around during that time, because aside from the drugs, it was a beautiful concept of protest and awareness. I can only hope that this current generation wakes up and has their own revolution against the injustices being done in their name.

Life lately

I got to see Monica a couple weeks back, under very sad circumstances. Having to endure the loss of your mother is something so painful I don't think I could ever bear. She showed so much composure and grace in light of such sadness. The worst part was that I had to leave soon after and didn't get to spend much time with her. It breaks my heart when I think back on that drive home.

What she's been through makes me evaluate my own relationship with my parents. How would I react if my mom or dad died. I rarely see them. I know it would hurt so much, but one of the tragedies of my family life is how distant my family is. I think I need to learn to appreciate more the time I have with them.

Also, last week I joined a friend at work for their 4th edition D&D campaign. Fourth edition is really cool compared to the other ones and I love the way they have the powers set up to be Daily or by Encounter. No longer are you stuck having just a few spells that you have to keep track of memorizing and worrying about running out of. It looks to be pretty neat and my friend's husband is doing a good job developing his world so far...even if it is a bit unfleshed out at the moment.

Another strange turning point occurred last night after IMing Monica. There's a bunch of people from my past that I used to chat with during my pre-transition days on my friends list. When I got on, several of them started IMing me. It was kind of creepy, as most of them are older and only wanted to show me their 'pics' and ask about hormone stuff. It seems there's a threshhold where you stop caring about that kind of stuff and it just becomes everyday. I guess it bothered me some, but maybe I'm just not tolerant anymore--which would be sad.

Fuzziness and the Novel

Things in life lately have been going real well. My regimen of Lexapro is interesting to say the least. For one, I conitnually feel different. I wonder if the feeling will become permanent? In some ways, I'm worried that by feeling so differently that I'm losing some aspects of my personality. I haven't been depressed, but I find myself pretty lethargic and my thoughts don't come as quick anymore. If anything, it could put a damper on creative energies that I used to have come so easily.

The feeling is much different than the feelings of going on estrogen the first time. Estrogen never felt different, it's just that the effects of it were different. I've loved everything that estrogen has helped with over the years. Since going on the injectible form, the changes were much more pronounced.

Lately, I've been working hard on my book's outline. The story has to be mostly re-written, but it's going to be so much for the better. There are a lot of twists and turns that should make the novel quite memorable. I've also done a large revamp of the history and language of my place which will be essential to making the world "come alive". It was really neat to come up with events that might happen to a medieval society over 700 or so years and create various rulers and what happened during their reign--from plagues to floods, to desertification and mining issues, to various games and pasttimes people would have. It's really exciting building this.

Life!

Things have been rpetty well for the past few weeks. The medication I have been taken is very interesting. For one, it has calmed me some and givesme this peculiar fuzzy feeling. It's difficult to describe, but it feels kinda neat....I guess it's a very mild, happy buzz type of feeling.

Otherwise, work has been a flurry of activity. We got a new library system in which has been very challenging to get to work properly. It seems like there are lots of fires to put out ever day in getting things fixed. Hopefully things will calm down, but for now, things are pretty edgy!

Last week we had a horrible storm which took our power out for 14 hours! It was rather crazy. It happened at around 10:30 in the evening and our power was out until noon the next day. Thankfully, our fridge has a nice seal on it so nothing spoiled. It was so surreal and beautiful going to sleep hearing nothing but the rain and everything in the house was so quiet.

My book has mutated into a new and more exciting route. I'm having a bit of difficulty restarting it, but when it comes to, it will be a much more exciting version that the one I had planned.

Antidepressants

So I went to the doctor and am on some antidepressants now. It takes a few weeks for anything noticeable, though I do feel....weirder than before. Over past couple of days my mind feels kind of heavy. I'm not sure how to describe it. It also could be my allergy medication doing that too.

Either way, for the people in my life I love so much, I think this will help. To all my friends and loved ones, I love you all so much.

<3

Borderline Pesonality Disorder

After this weekend, I'm pretty sure I need to get some mental help.

The worst part, is that it is very likely the cause of my gender identity issues as well--which puts a lot of who I am as a person on shaky ground.

From the Mayo Clinic:

When you have BPD, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. That is, your self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.

My therapist had said I might have this mental illness...now I'm all but certain of it. The worst part is that if it is treatable....what have I been doing to myself all these past few years? My gender identity obviously has changed, but what if it's only temporary? I'm so scared I don't know what to do. And if I get it treated through medication....what will happen?

I don't know anymore.

The people in my life matter so much to me, that I need to get this taken care of, but I'm afraid of the results.

Gender Differences

There is a really neat series on NPR yesterday and supposedly today about gender identity. Yesterday, the story was about how two families are dealing with their sons who actually feel as though they are girls. One family is trying to cure him, the other is accepting and helping of him.

A lot of these things really hit close to home in this story. Especially the identifying with females, having female playmates as a kid and the like. But the approaches really begin to show that it is really something that can't be cured. Towards the end of the story, you find out that "Bradley" is still not 'cured' of his liking girl things, even after the parents took away everything feminine in his life. Your gender identity is more than toys, clothing, and color preferences. The parents, and the doctor who is trying to cure him, are going to be creating many more problems down the road as the child is simply going to be more frustrated.

You can delay something indefinitely, but what about when the child is on their own and can make their own choices in life? One of the main reasons the parents in the show said they are trying to cure their child is that socially, they feel that someone who is transgender would end up socially isolated for the rest of their life, but mostly through childhood as male classmates couldn't identify with them and that female classmates wouldn't either. I think this is pretty much a crutch for the parents' fears and not consistent with reality. If worked out correctly, you wouldn't even be able to tell the child apart from other females especially if hormone treatments are worked out during their teen years.

In the end, I thought the show did a great job of showing the differences in opinion fairly. Also, today there is an episode dealing with transgendered teens. I'm looking forward to checking that out too.

Lost - Best Show on TV

I've watched TV for quite some time. My previous favorite show had been Twin Peaks; it was brilliantly writen, with an amazing cast of characters and great acting. It got surreal at times, but I was enraptured by it.

I will go on record as saying that Lost is the best show on TV and after its run, will be remembered as the best ever. Most of its success is due to the phenomenal acting by Michael Emerson, AKA Benjamin Linus. We're in Season 4 right now, and creator J.J. Abrams has stated it will be a 6 season run. Every single show is amazingly crafted and keeps weaving a tale through current events, flashbacks and flashfowards. This season, there was an epsiode called "The Constant" which I can say is probably the best epsiode I've ever seen on TV in any series.

This show is just amazing in the level of detail and the interaction between the ensemble cast. Four seasons in, we're learning more about the island and the details behind it, but technically we're still lost as to what's really going on. If you haven't seen any of the episodes yet, I recommend getting all the seasons on DVD--if you like really good writing, a mysterious plot, and amazing acting you won't be disappointed.

Navel Piercing

So yesterday I had the afternoon off, and interestingly enough, I was near a tattoo parlor...the same one that did my tongue piercing several years back. So I decided to drop in and get a navel piercing.

I've thought about getting one for awhile now, and it just kept itching at me, so what the heck. It didn't hurt at all, and it didn't even bleed really. I have to occasionally clean the area with some saline solution, but other than that, it looks like it will eventually be a very pretty expresion on my tummy.

I've always wondered why I get the urge to get these piercings, and I'm thinking I love the sense of having something as a little secret for myself to share with those close to me. It might also be because it's a reminder to me of my femininity.

Either way, pictures will be coming sometime when it's healed up.

Why don't they get it?

I will never understand the purpose of these megachurches, especially the types I went to when I was growing up. My parents and the church I went to filled my head with the most horrible concepts regarding Christian life. Our church and even the current church my parents go to are entertainment supercenters. They have cafes now, gift stores, classes for aerobics, etc. Wouldn't Jesus be mortified to see these places? I mean he went to the Temple and went apeshit over the vendors all around his church.

I've told my parents and everyone I know flat out that the only occasions I will step foot in a church is for weddings and funerals anymore. Just going near them anymore makes me physically ill, because everyone there is mainly donating their money to support a building, a staff of people to run it, and various other programs.

All churches aren't bad. A lot of them do reach out and help the homeless and needy, but for the most part, the money is going to all the wrong places. Instead of giving to a church, it would be much better to spend your time helping at a homeless shelter, or going to a nursery home and being with the elderly, or volunteering or donating stuff to a food pantry.

Femininity

I have some friends who say that I'm the girliest girl they've met. Others, not so much! What really makes femininity? Is it acting or do you feel it in your soul and it just comes out?

It is an interesting point to ponder for me these days. Some days I feel feminine, some days I just feel "blah!" which is also ok. I am beginning to think that some of it is indeed due to hormonal fluctuations, because I notice that the "blah" feelings tend to come towards the end of my estrogen cycling. But then that would simply be part of a reaction to something biological rather femininity, which I believe transcends that.

So what do you believe to be femininity?

Good weekend

It was a very good weekend. Sadly, I didn't get enough of stuff done. On the bright side, I'm not feeling sick anymore. I also managed to get my hair trimmed so it's now mostly out of my face and has more volume on the sides.

We spent much of the weekend watching lots of movies. We've been pretty health conscious so we exercise while watching and then relax. The best part is there are no commercials! So I saw Sneakers, Brubaker, The Horse Whisperer, And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself, The Libertine, Donnie Brasco and my favorite Hard Candy.

Hard Candy was great! You owe it to yoruself to see the movie just for the great acting and the crazy dialogue between the characters. The movie also keeps you guessing all the way through to the end. It is definitely one of the better movies I've seen this year.

Things have been going pretty well lately and I am blessed to have such love and happiness in my life. Things are going so well. My next key move is to find a better job....one where I can be myself and one that hopefully challenges me more. I love my job, don't get me wrong, but I don't feel like I am being pushed and learning the way I have in jobs past.

Strange Dreams again

So I had another really interesting dream last night. This guy from high school who is one of my abandoned friends, myself and Ellen Page from Juno were at some sort of seaside resort where it was freezing out. For some reason, we disrobed and started swimming naked down this narrow river together trying to get somewhere in a certain amount of time. There was snow all along the banks of the river and there were lots of snow-covered trees in the distance. It was really cold and Ellen kept bumping into me as we were all talking about life as we swam. At one point we got out of the river and Ellen told my friend he was too hairy to continue with us, so we all dried off and just her and I continued down the river.

Sadly, the dream ended. I have no idea what caused me to dream this!

The Icky Cold

So last Monday, I'm feeling great! And that all changed almost in an instant. Tuesday morning I felt horrible and called in sick. Same thing for Wednesday. I thought I was getting better so Thursday I went in with nothing more than a cough which eventually turned into a horrible running nose-congestion nightmare by afternoon. I had Friday off, but had to call in Saturday morning to skip work as well. Finally, today I'm better.

I spent much of the time bundled up in huge fuzzy duck slippers which may grandpa once owned. They are SO warm and cozy and look absolutely silly. I also had on a huge hoody, fuzzy gloves and pink leopard print pajamas. It was a fashion disaster, but it was so warm and helped me alot in getting over the sickies.

On the bright side, I got lots of rest while I was sick. I also lost 4 pounds due to not really wanting to eat while being sick. Conveniently, I also had a PS2 in my room of sickness and mastered the Hard level of Guitar Hero while I was sick as well. It was kind of weird as I would play the notes and see them falling in my head for a couple of those days when I wasn't playing.

And today I came into work from all the ickiness and was greeted by a wonderful Easter Care package!!! I squeed several times and I think I made myself sick on the malted milk balls and yummy chocolate. Thank you, Monica! You are the best sweetie ever! It is so nice to know that someone is thinking of you when you are feeling down and even though I was sick all those days, I felt so much care and love!

Wonderful Times

So I've been negligent in my blogging lately. Bad Colleen!

A couple weeks back I got to hang out with Monica and friends for another weekend extravaganza of bliss and awesomeness. The first evening, we went out to a wonderful dinner at Red Lobster (<3 Seafood), and then navigated our way through the perilous slushy snow roads to back home for a relaxing evening.

The next day was all about Monica. It pretty much was a wonderful day followed by an even more wonderful evening and party/reception at her place! Laura made the best most amazing Companion Cube cake and along with the awesome Mexican dinner, the evening was spent creating games, playing Wii, and eating the cake which was probably the best cake I've ever eaten ever.

The final day was spent out and about seeing Monica's awesome mom, followed by a quiet time back at home and a great night in. Monica's mom is really so sweet and wonderful. I can totally see where she gets everything good in her! It was very sad to have to head back home, but I know that it won't be long again!

Life has been really good to me lately. The past weeks have reminded me of how lucky and blessed I am. I also have been sticking to my diet very well. I also did some revisions of my book outline that will make it go in some more intriguing directions. And I also renamed some of the characters which had rather cheesy names.

Also, it looks like I'm going to have to bow out of my therapy sessions with the new doctor. The visits are becoming more expensive and she's not a psychiatrist--just a counsellor with a social working degree. On top of that, my homework for my next visit was to "divide up the chores around the house". Lovely. I just paid $150 for someone to tell me to split the work around the house. Sadly, my insurance sucks and the deductible is like $2000 before they start paying for anything.

Lunar Eclipse

The other evening there was a lunar eclipse. I walked out into my snow-covered lawn and stared up to see a really humbling sight. How many others throughout time have gazed up to see such a beautiful display in the heavens and been inspired? It was truly beautiful and I find I cherish them alot more now than I did when I was younger.

Therapy

So I had another therapy session yesterday. My therapist is very cool. She's older, has long white hair and seems very liberal. Either way, she was helpful in narrowing down my problems with depression.

It sounds like much of it stems from emotional dysregulation. I have unreal hysterics and depression over certain minor things that happen occasionally, which then sinks me into depressive funks. She's going to be working with me to help me get the tools to respond appropriately to things that happen. Basically, I have the emotional responses of a 2-3 year old, because they were never able to mature.

The root causes of this, she says, are from a Fundamentalist upbringing, where you are told everything in life is 'black and white'. When you are stuck in an environment of blacks and whites, you develop irrational responses to things after you drift from your Fundamentalist world. As I got more liberal over the years after college, my emotional level wasn't able to cope with things which happened to me. It also sounds like she was insinuating that I may have a mild form or symptoms of borderline personality disorder. On the bright side, she says I don't have BPD, but instead exhibit a few symptoms of it, including the emotional regulation thing.

So things are beginning to make sense. Now I have to come to terms with what was causing that and get the tools to handle things better. At least now I know!

A very sad photo

I ran across this photo and it's one of the saddest photos I've seen in awhile. Some young meth user in NYC's transformation after several bookings and arrests.

You can just see how a pretty girl with a nice smile and maybe even a future full of hope and enjoyment switches photo by photo over into someone who looks like all the beauty, life and happiness has been sucked from them forever.

I wish our government would do more to treat and help drug users. Jailtime is not the answer to this epidemic. Drugs are destroying lives and we are treating them as criminals instead of offering them hope and rehabilitation. The rich should not be the only ones able to afford treatment for this. There is no reason that this poor girl has to be continually booked over and over. Why is no one helping her?

A Pretty Dream

Last night I had a neat dream/story. I was part of a crew of a small spaceship, and we were exploring space and found a very neat earth-like planet. We did a scan of the surface and found signs of life in one of the small corners of the planet. I was the pilot so I swooped us down to land at that location and settled right next to an aged weathering X-Wing looking craft.

When me and two others exited the craft, we saw a concrete and metal bunker nearby and went in. inside, were dozens of people hooked up to colorful sleeping tubes. We woke them up and they said they had been sleeping for years and trying to survive a disease that was ravaging the planet. They were all dressed in these spandex outfits and I promised the leader that I would send help and get them a cure for whatever it was. When I left another exit of the bunker I stared out at the most beautiful scene of wheat fields and meadows stretched up against small mountains in the distance as the sun cast shadows all over the land. There were these big power line supports stretching from the bunker out past the mountains.

I looked down at the ground and saw a dirty worn cootie catcher on the ground among some other debris. I grabbed onto it as a memory of this beautiful place and started heading back toward the ship. A swift breeze blew the paper from my hand and it kept flying away. I ran after it in desperation and this young blonde girl came out from near the bunker, grabbed it and handed it to me. She looked up at me and told me she was dying from the disease. I promised her I wouldn't let her die and that we would find a cure for them.

Let's Play a Game

Last year I had an idea for a board game, but didn't really finish and follow through on it. So over the past week or so I've been refining and adding the rules and pieces to the game and am finally done with the initial design aspects. This weeekend, I'll be playtesting it to see if the scoring parts of it are working properly and if it flows fun and smoothly. Right now, the game is very strategic in nature with no dice rolls or playing cards that can be used on other players. There are cards, but they effect all the players in a given round and it's looking to be a neat mechanic.

The key of this game is having an enjoyable game that people can like, yet still have it be fun and competitive while making luck of the dice or draw be a minimal factor in the strategy of the game. Another neat aspect of the game is it's production system, which awards more points for players who go through certain processes of production, but also increases their risk. If all the elements work the way I think they will work, this will definitely be a fun game I can see people playing--especially those who like EuroStyle games like Carcassonne, Puerto Rico and the like.

I hope I'm not biting off more than I can chew--working on book and a game at the same time. Anyway, it is shaping up to be an interesting and wonderful year so far!

I am still reeling from my visit recently and am just full of hope and inspiration for this year. There's nothing I can't do, because I am loved and supported and appreciated and I think feeling that in your life makes things a lot easier to work through problems and be inspired creatively.

Blessed

Words can't describe really how blessed I am.

Today's my birthday, and this past weekend, again, was one of the best of my life. She makes my knees weak in the way she inspires me to be a better person and everything about her is wonderful and awesome.

I had mentioned that it was getting easier every time because there would be another next time, but this time hurt more than the all the others.

It is amazing to really know what true love is and what it means.

Eternity

Would you like to live forever? It's been one of the goals of many people to find a way to live forever. Others say that you live forever by accomplishing things in this life and being remembered or by reproducing and passing your DNA onto another generation. Christianity states that there will be a coming judgment and that the good will spend eternity in heaven and the rest in hell.

However, if I was a benevolent deity, I wouldn't dare curse anyone with experiencing eternity. You can't imagine an eternity. One followed by an endless string of zeroes of years.....can you imagine living that long? Would your eally want to remember every day and keep the memories and pains and the boredom of living forever.

So what sounds like the best solution? Well you would let souls live for eternity, yet only have them experience it in small chunks of years in a body at a time, erase the memories and start over again. It's a good solution to a maddening problem.

I remember being younger and pondering eternity and infinity, just repeating over and over and I started to get sad. It finally dawned on me how vast that amount of time really is....and I didn't want to be a part of it. Even if I was forever doing things I enjoyed, like the preachers attempt to sell you, eventually you would weary of existing and experiencing the passage of time.

Be a Man

For some reason, this phrase gets tossed out a lot, especially in reference to homophobic, transphobic, or just among guys in general. I really don't like the phrase "Be a man", because of the connotations that come with it.

First off, it let's look at what sort of things "Be a man" preceeds:

"Be a man, and take your punishment."
"Be a man and do the right thing."
"Be a man about it."
"Be a man and do blah blah blah."

For the most part it is inferred that the person should do something beacuse that's what men are supposed to do. The downside of this is that it is generally assumed that women or non-male stereotypes can't do the particular action.

What it really comes down to is integrity. When someone says "Be a man" they are really saying show some integrity and take responsibility for X. Which systematically has a gender bias that women apparently don't have integrity or the ability to take responsibility for an issue.

Another thing that it does is try to shame an individual in questioning their masculinity if they don't do that. Essentially, if you can't "Be a man" and do X, then you're a feminine wussy.

But why tie something like personal responsibility, strength of character, and integrity to masculinity? I find it wrong that this term is used to shame people into doing the right thing.

A lot of transpeople hear this I'm sure at somepoint during their transition, and it's pretty hypocritical when its said because the person transitioning generally is taking responsibility and taking charge of an issue that needs dealt with in their lives.

Welcome to the New Year

Well, 2007 came and went, and for me, it was one of the best years of my life. I rang it in with friends and loved ones and got to experience an amazing year. I can't really explain in words all the happiness and love I felt in my life, other than to say I've never felt that way before.

Over the past few weeks, we got an XBox 360 for Christmas for each other and have been playing a variety of games. Our TV was already HD Ready, so the graphics just look pretty awesome. We've been playing Assassin's Creed, BioShock, Halo 3, Dead Rising, and Call of Duty 3. It is pretty darn fun and I have my parents to thank for since they helped get it for us. The only thing we are missing right now is an internet connection so that we can get on XBox Live and play with family and friends. My nephews have already stated that they want to kick my ass in Halo 3. I'm a bit scared, considering they are only 8 and 10 years old!

Other than that, I am really looking forward for the next week or so. A special someone is visiting and we're going to see Cloverfield! One thing to note is that there is currently an Alternate Realtity Game going on behind the scenes since June of last year. The characters have MySpace pages and there's a variety of blogs and fake news reports that lead to various discoveries that explain the lead up to events on how the monster attacks NYC. Here is a great site that explains the timelines of things that have been happening in the run-up to the movie's premiere.