After this weekend, I'm pretty sure I need to get some mental help.
The worst part, is that it is very likely the cause of my gender identity issues as well--which puts a lot of who I am as a person on shaky ground.
From the Mayo Clinic:
When you have BPD, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. That is, your self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.
My therapist had said I might have this mental illness...now I'm all but certain of it. The worst part is that if it is treatable....what have I been doing to myself all these past few years? My gender identity obviously has changed, but what if it's only temporary? I'm so scared I don't know what to do. And if I get it treated through medication....what will happen?
I don't know anymore.
The people in my life matter so much to me, that I need to get this taken care of, but I'm afraid of the results.
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2 comments:
Sweetheart, it's going to be okay, I promise. The core of who you are is what is important, and I whole-heatedly believe that you ARE living as the person you are meant to be. I can see that, and moreover, I feel that with all that I am.
But you have so much pain and sadness and frustration right now. We (and I emphasize WE) do need to work on getting you through the icky stuff and fighting the depression and frustration and all else, together.
Whatever happens, you have at least one thing that is absolute, unyielding, set in stone, and unshakable- and that is my love for you. Don't worry, don't despair. I love you, and we will figure it all out!
I've also been looking into BPD since you emailed me and I'm just not certain that it's what you're dealing with. I dunno, based on the symptoms and root causes listed at the National Institute of Mental Health's website http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder.shtml
it just doesn't sound like you or your history.
So, don't be so afraid baby. Again, whatever this is, BPD or not, you are COLLEEN. You are the woman I love, you are wonderful and loving and kind and no diagnoses or treatment will change that. At all.
I love you.
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