Through a Daiquiri, Darkly

EVE Online

2011-03-28T16:58:00.004-05:00

So the game I have been playing a ton of lately has been EVE Online. After giving up World of Warcraft, this game really has most of what I enjoy in a game.

There is so much to do in this world and it's all on one server! Basically, you start out as a pilot and can learn all sorts of different professions: mining, hauling, being a pirate, flying ships, trading, running a corporation or manufacturing. Skills are trained over time, so you don't need to level at all. You just plug in the skills you want to learn and off you're go to do whatever you want to do.

The PVP in the game is very exciting. There is so much to learn about piloting ships, and even after playing for a few months, I still only have a basic understanding of it.

The community is amazing and there are always new things coming out for it. The best thing right now is the new character creator that the have made. The characters are amazingly detailed and fun to play with.

I'll likely be playing this one for a long time to come!

So Bad!

2011-03-24T13:18:00.002-05:00

So I haven't posted in here in over a year as can be clearly seen by my last post. This is not good at all!

I think most of the issue is that Facebook has really taken the sails out of a lot of blogging. However, blogs are great for posting long and detailed articles which Facebook really can't handle properly.

I should really keep updated with this more and plan on doing just that with some upcoming articles on what I've been playing and enjoying lately.

Breathtaking Dream

2010-03-14T12:24:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I wonder how the mind and dreams really work. I had a dream last night that made me question exactly the nature of how I dream sometimes.

I was outside in the middle of a street in the dark of night with some others. There were little shops around, but high above, the night sky was beautiful and clear. Someone mentioned that it was the month that the moon was closer to Earth than normally, and sure enough the moon moved by slowly on its celestial precession. But then, I saw two more large heavenly bodies. One, I thought was Jupiter, but someone told me that's not what it was. It was perfectly spherical with a blue a bluish tint on its dark surface and alongside it were two more smaller spheres of the same type. Around all three spheres, tiny rocky satellites followed...about two dozen in all. They traveled slowly and moved across the sky behind the background of the night.

I fell to my knees in awe at just exactly how beautiful and amazing it looked. I almost cried in my dream at how it looked. I'd never seen anything like it before.

And now that I'm awake, I have a beautiful memory of something my mind created. I can see it perfectly and it still gives me chills with how beautiful it was. How could my mind come up with something that was essentially so artful and amazing that it would take my breath away from its beauty?

I don't understand how it works or how that dream affected me so, but I do know that I carry with me something special that seems just as real as any memory I have.

End of Decade Realizations

2009-12-23T16:22:00.004-05:00

It's almost the end of 2009 and what 10 years has done for me. In 2000, I was still in college par time, struggling with life and the rigors of the Army as well. I was a pretty conservative Republican at the time.

Almost 10 years later, well...I have a career I love, a self I love, and I'm a very liberal person as well. You wouldn't even recoginize the me of 2000 versus the me of today. Not only do they look radically different, but they think and have evolved much differently. I grew up so fast this decade.

In 2000, I was lost and didn't know myself. Now, I know who I am and what I really want out of life. It's amazing what 10 years can do. I've lost friends, parted ways with family, made so many new friends, come out to other friends who love and care for me for who I am.

The biggest realization is that I love my friends more than my family. In fact, I have almost no family ties. Mother, father, sister....relatives...they all are just words compared to the real love that I experience with my friends. What this really means is that the loss of my friends in my life will be my most difficult times compared to the loss of my family members. Is it right to feel like this? I guess I don't know any other way.

The happy moments I've had with my friends in the past few years have more than made of for the saddest and darkest moments of my past. Whatever happens in the future, I know that I am loved and will always be a part of friendships which make me whole. I desire nothing more than to be a great friend to those who are a part of my life. I only hope I can live up to the happiness and joy that they have brought me.

Surgery Fun

2009-08-20T18:27:00.002-05:00

So I had gallbladder surgery yesterday. It was actually pretty neat! I got there around 11 am and they got me prepped for surgery. At noon, I was taken into a big surgery room and laid down and like that I was out like a light! When I came to, I was recovering very nicely in a recovery room. it was pretty surreal to go fade out and then wake up moments later and everything's all done!

Everything's a bit sore. I have several small incisions that are taped up. They did exploratory surgery in my abdomen to see if anything else was wrong and found everything to be ok. They also found a gallstone in my bile duct and got rid of that too.

I'm on Vicodin and it is good stuff! I've never been on a painkiller before but this thing works. Monica, Jeff, Laura and Josh got me some beautiful flowers that are on top of my nightstand so I can peek at them all the time when I wake up or need a pick me up!

All in all, I'm happy to have gone through this and hope to be ouch free soon.

Crazy Yet Cool Nightmare

2009-07-23T09:59:00.002-05:00

I don't really have nightmares anymore....though I think last night might have qualified as one. It was actually pretty cool though. Sometimes it's just amazing what your mind can come up with story and visual-wise. Or maybe there's something else behind this particular one?

Anyway, we're in a Victorian house. Me and several girls and some guys I have no idea about. Mostly a collegey crowd. Suddenly, one of the girls is killed by a slasher in this eerie well lit white basement below. It's pretty gruesome and we saw the slasher. He had a huge square cleaver and a burlap bag over his head, but then he disappeared.

So we're all freaked out by now and head up to the living room to stay together since there's safety in numbers. The living room is a mix of modern and Victorian items and we're all hanging out when one of the older guys in the bunch tells everyone to close their eyes for a story he's going to tell.

Suddenly, as the story is being told, a doppelganger of the guy that was about to tell the story, emerges through a weird squeeze in the wall and the guy who was going to tell the the story gets sucked sideways into the wall to vanish forever. The doppelganger continues his story telling about a being that's been there since 1910 and that someone has died in the house every year since. While he's telling the story of the house, the inside of the room does some cool shifting and changing of colors and warping as new things are added. When everyone opens their eyes, they have no clue that it's the doppelganger there and don't seem to care about the new arrangement of the room.

So they begin to depart and I see some of the people gathering and talking about going out for the night. One of the girls is smoking and looking like she wants to leave. To my shock, I find myself left alone in the creepy house. I start looking for a way to escape when this young boy with spikey auburn hair finds me and holds my hand. But he's not just holding my hand, he's leading me out the front door, then the front yard and gate to just outside the house.

He then tells me, "You're too good to be here for what I have planned for them. But you better stay good the rest of your life or I will come and find you and kill you." I'm freaking out as I walk away down the sidewalk and suddenly the boy laughs and vanishes, then a crow appears and buzzes past me as the laughter still rings in my ears.

Wonderful times

2009-06-04T14:53:00.002-05:00

Life has been very good to me lately. My family came to visit over the weekend and we had a great time catching up on things. And a few weeks before that, I got to see Monica. What more awesomeness could life bring me?

Anyway, I've been very happy. What I did notice though is that not fully presenting as myself leaves me very uncomfortable. It's a weird feeling. I guess it's a very unauthentic feeling. Thankfully, I haven't had to feel that way in a long time.

Work has been very busy this month so far, as we deal with budget cuts and have to make do with less. It's been a bit stressful and now we have new servers to get ready as well. Some days I don't have to work as hard as others, but lately it's been non-stop crazy action!

Yikes!

2009-04-24T23:37:00.002-05:00

Things have been much better lately. It is amazing how weird hormones can be at times. Thankfully, my medication is back to work again and those bad feelings are gone.

On the bright side, life has been wonderfully lately! I got to see everyone in Fort Wayne a couple weeks back and we had an amazing time! We got to go shopping, hangout and relax, see Monsters vs. Aliens (which was simply adorable), and enjoy some lovely meals out! The best part was being around those I care and love. Maybe that helped energize me in so many ways.

Horrible Depression

2009-03-26T09:28:00.003-05:00

It's hitting me again and it sucks. There's really no reason for me to be depressed and I'm on my meds as well. I spent all yesterday evening when I got home in bed asleep. I felt horrible...even suicidal at times. As I drove home I wondered of unique areas to run my car off the road and hit something without hurting anyone else.

These thoughts are horrible and dark. I don't get why they are happening. I just want to be happy and now it seems as though my medication isn't working. :(

Fable Goodness

2009-03-25T11:13:00.003-05:00

Lately, my game of choice has been Fable 2. It is a very well done game and it has so much replay value! In fact I'm playing it through for the third time around because it's so cool.

Your character has the option of being Good or Evil, Corrupt or Pure, Funny or Serious, Straight or Gay/Lesbian, you name it! There's so much to do. You can have multiple families, or no families and your kids eventually grow up as well. Each of your choices changes the appearance of your character. You can buy and remodel your homes as well, and there's all sorts of different clothes you can buy and even dye for your character.

The combat system is way fun too. You can be good at melee, ranged, or magic, or even all three!

The best part though is the storyline and the world they have created. I never played Fable 1, but this one takes place 500 years after that and includes many of the characters being referenced from the first game. There are lots of emotionally charged scenes and the voice acting is great as well. I simply could listen to Zoe Wanamaker's voice forever.

Missing Others

2009-03-17T14:15:00.002-05:00

There are a lot of people in my life who I care deeply about. When I am with them, I have the greatest times ever, and when I am away from them, I do miss them, especially right after leaving.

Sadly, though, I've been noticing that I seem to have some problems with the feelings of missing people.

My coworker, today, was devastated the point of crying because her boyfriend was going to be arriving a week later than her was hoping to. She was a wreck. Last year, I remember feeling horrible when I hurt Monica terribly when I had to leave so soon from the visit for her mother's funeral.

I wonder if I am faulty that I can never seem to develop the passion to hurt or ache enough when people I love are not there? It makes me feel sad that I don't have these feelings. While I miss people I care about, I wonder if I am only paying it lip service. What happened to me to make me not feel the pain of heartache from missing those I love in my life?

Recovering from Sickies, maybe!

2009-02-18T11:41:00.004-05:00

I wish I had more to say in this post. Lately, I've missed a few days from work because of a cold, and then a horrible relapse again which felt more flu than cold. It was a pretty dreadful time of sickies. Thankfully, the past week has been illness free and life is looking up!

In just a few short days I get to travel on vacation to see loved ones. I've been told by people around me, "Why should you travel so far to be with friends?" The truth is, I love my friends and whether they live in New York, Arizona, Ohio, or Pennsylvania, there's no distance I wouldn't go to visit people I care about.

For now, sadly, I think I'm getting sick again. I'm feeling that icky scratchy feeling in my throat and I hope I can stave it off so that the vacation goes sicky free.

Fallout 3

2009-01-21T15:05:00.003-05:00

An exhausted and slightly irradiated Colleen hangs outside Craterside Supply in Megaton

So many years ago when I was young I played a game called Wasteland for the Commodore 64. It was an absolutely brilliant game that took place in the post-nuclear war USA. I even kept in touch with one of the designers of the game who amazingly I happened to befriend because he lived nearby in Arizona. Then, in the 90's, Fallout 1 and 2 came out, which were both inspired in part by Wasteland. They were really good games.

Over a decade later we now have Fallout 3. It is truly one of the most fun experiences I've had in a long time. The Oblivion engine gives such a sense of realism to the game and the landscape, features, and plotlines all hearken back to the earlier fallout series. I hear Fallout purists are unhappy with the lack of tactical options that the first ones have, but I think the V.A.T.S. combat system makes up for that quite well. It just seems a lot more fun in realtime. Also, the blood and gore is just all over the place in this game, which is a big bonus.

The only problem I really had was the ending, which just didn't seem to fit and felt really contrived after all the work you do and the options which should be available to you by the time you reach the ending. Either way, it still is a great ending overall and takes into account alot of what you've done through the game. The soundtrack is just awesome too and you'll find yourself singing old swing-style tunes now and then. You will also learn that the bees are the stingiest way back home as well. I'm not sure why that's a good thing, but it just is, dammit.

Spore

2009-01-12T15:31:00.006-05:00

An epic Pufferyip gets taken down by a pack of GnuLomls!

Sometimes a game comes along that just so rocks, you have no idea what to do about it! Lately, I've discovered two of these awesome games--Spore and Fallout 3. I'll have a review on Fallout 3 soon, but this article will be devoted to Spore.

Spore is easily one of the most creative games to come out in the past 5 years. It has all the hallmarks of originality and freeform play. The concept is so simple! You start as a small cell and evolve your way up the food chain until you reach civilization and eventually space!

The game progresses pretty slow up until the space stage, but the Creature phase is the most fun until then. In the creature phase you get to develop your creature with limb parts you find and make friends with little ones out there. The best part is that Spore downloads creations from everyone who's playing the game, which means you end up with a massive library of available content! My creature, the Kixxie, was a very sociable creature and didn't do any fighting the whole way up the food chain.

The space phase is where things get super awesome! You can travel to planets and colonize them and there's an overarching theme that every player's game discovers--the Grox! The Grox are kinda like the Borg of the galaxy, yet much cuter. I'm having so much fun in the space phase right now, just flying to planets, exploring wormholes and finding all sorts of neat civilizations. Between trading spice, discovering lost artifacts, exploring and balancing all your alliances, this game has everything!

What a Time!

2008-12-26T09:23:00.003-05:00

So over the past weekend I had another of the best times I've ever had! Getting to see Monica, Jeff and Laura and Josh was as good as it gets. Throughout my life I've always hoped to find such wonderful friends, and now to have friends who really care about me for me is the best gift I could have in life. I am so blessed.

When I arrived on Friday, we went out for a delicious Sushi extravaganza at Sushi Tomo. This place has the absolute best sushi ever! There were volcano rolls, Philly rolls, and caterpillar rolls to be had by all. The volcano roll is simply to die for.

That evening we watched Let the Right One In and Deep Rising. Let the Right One In was simply one of the most subtle and best vampire movies I've seen. The girl and boy in the film do such an amazing acting job. Deep Rising....welll is Deep Rising! You can't beat a movie with an undersea monster that digests people alive.

The next day we enjoyed a wonderful morning of shopping for last minute stuff, and watched Wall-E and *REC. OMG *REC is so freaking scary. It really never lets up and the ending is so good. Wall-E was simply a great classic! There is no other way to put it. I can't believe I didn;t get to catch it in the theaters because it was so awesome.

That evening we went to Josh and Laura's and it was the best time ever! Needless to say there were lotsa gifts, lotsa fun, and Fallout 3 and Transformers seemed to be the themes of the night. Speaking of Fallout 3, I have been playing it and will review it very soon!

This Christmas made me realize how blessed I am. I love my friends beyond any words and can't wait to see them again.

Love and Acceptance

2008-12-10T11:13:00.003-05:00

This past weekend I went to Arizona to visit with my family. I decided that this time I would meet with them as myself...just me and not try to wear various clothes to accommodate them. Normally, I went kinda boyish, but not this time.

Surprisingly, my parents were fine with it. Our relationship got many times better over the weekend and it was another fun time with them. I hadn't seen them since Novemeber of 2006, so there were lots of physical changes, and yet they saw and respected me for who I am.

I am so fortunate and the fact that my transition has been so much longer than normal has probably played a part in this. They understand it's not a passing phase after 5-6 years. It was so good to relate with them and not feel like either them or me was walking on eggshells.

I really look forward to getting to see them again and in fact they are planning some sort of 40th wedding anniversary get together sometime next year. It's bound to be an amazing time!

Love is all you need!

2008-11-13T15:15:00.002-05:00

I found a neat website that chronicles one man's journey to offer free hugs to anyone who wanted them. It's such a beautiful idea and I'd seen the video of this a few years back. He's also been on Oprah as well. It's such a simple concept, but there's so much more to it. A hug is such a powerful symbol. Sometimes, just that contact with another person is all you need to lift up your spirits or renew yourself.

This week also marks the arrival of the World of Warcraft expansion. My online friends are already playing it as we speak. Most have been up since they purchased the xpac at midnight! Now that's dedication! I guess if I was younger I would put in a marathon gaming session, but nowadays I can't bring myself to do that anymore. And while I love my cute little Night elf Druid and sexy Blood Elf warlock, it's going to take a bit to level them up.

Going to be a Bright, Sun-Shiney Day

2008-11-05T08:40:00.002-05:00

I can hardly believe it happened, but it did. I am so proud to be an American today. We can really finally all come together now and make things work.

I was sitting in my bed last night watching the election results pour in and saw so much positive energy in the crowds and in the reporters. It was truly an historic night. As part of GLBT America, we are going to see some wonderful moves forward in equality and civil rights.

Confidence

2008-10-09T13:14:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure if my new hormone regimen is doing the trick, or simply that life is just so wonderful and happy that I am on a permanent cloud 9. Either way, I have been feeling so good and my self esteem has been way up there recently.

It's amazing how it has all changed over the past years to where I truly appreciate where I am in my life right now.

On a side note but another neat turn, one of my coworkers is playing an older version of D&D--2nd edition to be exact. She didn't have any of the books, and interestingly enough, I have a collection of a few from my old days that are all worn out from playing through the years with my old friends that abandoned me.

Today, I brought them in and handed them to her with a smile. She was so happy and appreciative, and I'm happy to be close the cover on that old chapter of my life.

Interesting Dream

2008-10-08T07:36:00.003-05:00

So I had a very interesting dream or dreams last night.

The first dream was very realistic and peculiar. It was in China and apparently I was a Chinese woman who was a supervisor at a nuclear waste disposal facility. Before the dream occurred, there was a prelude saying that 20-40 workers died from radiation exposure that occurred during the event. Then it went on to the dream where I am browsing through a massive warehouse with other workers. Suddenly, we spot a metal bin that has a huge puddle of watery stuff next to it.

I told everyone to get out. I'm screaming this in this weird high pitched girly voice and then I quick pull up my cell phone to call the Premier. I get his secretary on the phone and I'm shaking and nervous and she transfers me to him. After getting the cordials out of the way I let him know that there was an incident and he sounds really worried. We both seem to know that this is a horrible thing, and that's when the dream ended.

I get the impression that this was some sort of premonition or that maybe it did happen? I don't know why I would dream of myself as a Chinese woman, since that's never happened before. Who knows!

The last dream was really weird as well, but more in line with my normal dreams. I was over at Miley Cyrus and her friend's house with Monica and my dad. I was kinda sad because they were gearing up for homecoming and getting all dressed and pretty, while Monica and I weren't able to attend. My dad was very nice to Monica and I as Miley and her friend left and we were stuck in the house. Then the lights went out in the house and I lost track of both Monica and my dad.

A Special Day

2008-09-30T10:27:00.003-05:00

These have been the best two years of my life bar none.

I could never imagined that love and life would bring to me such an amazing and blessed gift. Whatever happens in my life, I know that I am loved and love so much. All of the bad things and times in my distant past rarely haunt me anymore. There is only the love and warmth of the present and the beaming smile of a loving future.

A Father's Love

2008-09-22T11:46:00.003-05:00

I checked my mail over the weekend and noticed a letter from my father, addressed to me with some really nice penmanship. It was a bit worried at first, but he had written me a rather beautiful and sad letter.

In the letter, he went over his misgivings and sadness at the way he raised me, feeling that he didn't bond with me enough. He asked for forgiveness and expressed his great sadness in what has turned into a basic misunderstanding and lack of friendship and communication on our part over the years. The letter ended with the most beautiful statement: "I will love you unconditionally until the day I die."

The next hour I re-read it, cried and reread it some more. I noticed my father has really beautiful handwriting and I don't think I've gotten anything like that from him before. I sensed so much anguish in sorrow in the letter that it hurt to know that he was going through how he must feel.

I called my mother and my dad happened to be out. I let her know that I was going to write him back and to tell him that I loved him and have never had any bad feelings or ill will toward him.

I ponder what to write back to him. He needs to know that he isn't responsible for how I am, and that I do love him and always will love him as well. I have tons of little fond memories of my dad and being with my dad, but also some scary ones as well. But, I've never hated him. I'm going to be visiting my family in early December so we are going to be able to talk more then too.

A Weekend to Remember

2008-09-10T09:18:00.002-05:00

What a wonderful weekend it was! Well it was more than a weekend, but all the same, even though some bad things happened toward the end, it was certainly a great time.

Thursday was a Monica bonanza, and we had some ultra-delicious sushi from Sushi tomo. I also got to meet Melanie for the first time, and she is more awesome than even how awesome everyone was saying she is. It was also Monica and Jeffy's anniversary! We got to check out Laura and Josh's new place--it simply looks quite wonderful and I hope Laura's business flourishes there.

Friday, was followed up by even more awesomeness. Monica and I went to see Tropic Thunder and it was quite the movie. Tom Cruise was insanely funny in it and the whole movie is simply a riot. Mitchell's Fish Market was also another wonderful place to go, and the food was great, though the company was much better!

The crowning time (literally!) was at the Renaissance Faire on Saturday. I think there was like 10 of that went. I got to meet Dennis, Bill, Dr. Ned again, and Laura and Josh also showed up. Monica was the fairest ninja maiden and got so many compliments on her beautiful outfit (and her legs!). Jeff was a bard in some very cool studded armor, and I was a silly maiden in green. There were so many reasons this was the most special time of my life, and I have the ring to remind me every day of what life should be and what I need to strive for in love and life.

Returning home on Sunday, my poor Dodge Neon broke down in Dayton. It sucked! What sucked even worse was that it was a transmission problem, meaning oh around $2-3k to fix it back up. What a bummer. So we eventually had to trade the car in for whatever we could get for it and purchase a new car.

Monica and Jeff got me a wonderful gift of a guitar over the trip which I took advantage of beginning to learn while I had some downtime. They are so special to me that they want me to achieve all my dreams. I will work hard to make sure that their dreams come true too!

Lead Foot and Amusing Dream

2008-08-26T08:13:00.002-05:00

Does lightning strike twice in the same spot? The answer is yes when it comes to speeding tickets at least. A certain stupid blonde has gotten two speeding tickets in the past 4 days. From never having a speeding ticket on my record to having 2, is a strange thing. So I need to start slowing down. I'm going to be paying up the wazoo for both of these and I'm sure my insurance rates will be going through the roof too. :(

On the other hand, I had a very interesting dream last night. I don't know if it's all the estrogen madness or whatever. Basically, Monica, Jeff and several other people and myself were invited into this huge home theater-type auditorium. On the screen, was a HUGE Pac-Man display that was also much wider than the normal Pac-Man board. We were all given joysticks and 8 people played Pac-Man characters and the other 8 people played ghosts. In essence, we were playing multiplayer Pac-Man and it was pretty fun in my dream at least. I remember Monica and I teaming up our Pac-Men on some hapless ghosts. It was WAY cool! The dream ended when a werewolf came through the auditorium and broke a bunch of glass bottles and joystick controllers. Damn werewolves keeping us from our fun!

When Transitions Go Bad

2008-08-25T16:19:00.004-05:00

So last night on MSNBC they had an interesting show on a pair of individuals who began as men, changed sexes to women and then eventually went back to living as men. I was pretty interested in this program to see exactly how it would go and how they would portray things. One of the good things is they related that only about 1% of transpeople regret their transitions.

It was interesting to see these two individuals and hear how they went through transition. One, in a whirlwind of craziness transitioned super quick at age 40. The other, started transiton at 19, ended up married to several men and then divorced and then spent a lot of time alone.

Predictably, they make you wait until the end of the program to find out why they re-transitioned. Finally, it made sense. Both were influenced by their religions to retransition. One was Jewish and joined some group for ex-gays. The other joined a megachurch and wanted to fit in by following the 'word of God'. So there you have it. So basically it came down to peer pressure both times.

Sadly, one of the transitioners kept strangely referring to their old transitioned life be referring to them in the third person, which is weird. "Michelle used to like to wear this", or "Michelle used to do this." Dude....that's YOU that used to do that, idiot.

It was also amusing how when the one who transitioned at age 19 and after twenty years retransitioned mentioned how hard it had been to get down female mannerisms, but when he went back to living as a guy, it just came naturally. Well no kidding, dumbass. Wasn't that a hint you weren't REALLY a girl to begin with?

FFS

2008-08-22T15:44:00.002-05:00

So I sent my photos off finally to one of the doctors I had been looking at to get checked out. Facial surgery is nothing to sneeze at and it can cost some crazy amounts depending on what surgeries you opt for and think you need. A lot of it is really subjective.

Personally, I think I need the works done, however the doctor I sent it to believes a forehead contouring/brow lift and scalp advance should do the trick. I was a bit surprised as most doctors will recommend the works from what I hear.

So, I am very excited now! Not only is this particular procedure very affordable, but I could do it pretty soon. This would make a very dramatic change in my life. Am I ready for it? Should I wait? I'm not sure but I'm definitely going to think this over.

Wage Slavery

2008-08-06T11:07:00.004-05:00

An interesting concept to explore, is how in our American society there is a sort of wage slavery.

When you think about it, having a wage means you offer your freedoms up in order to work for some entity in order to produce a product or service. As am employee, you can be disciplined, managed, etc, and if you do not comply with what you contracted to sell yourself as, then you are let go.

If you are let go enough, you will have difficulty getting employment at anything but the basest of jobs, therefore it is in your interest to comply. Those who don't comply end up homeless and jobless.

Think of all the movies you've watched about factory life, various difficult jobs, life in the military, life in any corporate or retail job and you begin to see that the entire system is meant to drain you of your creativity and make you pliant and productive as whatever your occupation is. Even the goal of getting retirement at various places for a pension means you will have to offer to work for upwards of 10-20 years for a place. In essence, the system has been set up so that you make yourself a slave.

The exception to this is creativity and entrepreneurism. You can avoid the system by going out on your own as an artist or an entrepreneur, you avoid the system by being beholden to really no one other than anyone else who believes in what you are doing.

Musical Tastes

2008-08-04T12:52:00.004-05:00

Music has never really played a big part of my life. I know some people who are so enraptured and enjoy music so much....they are the people who always have iPod cords framing their face nearly 24/7.

When I was growing up, I listened to pretty much crap! Anything I could hear on the radio was good enough for me. My parents didn't want me to listen to anything other than Christian music. High school was even a worse time for music. Between 1986 and 1990, there was a vacuum of horrible hair bands, Lionel Richie, Whitney Houston, New Kids on the Block and a variety of deplorable gunk.

It wasn't until college when my generation had their musical revolution, Grunge, that I became interested in music for real. Grunge was pretty angsty, but then again our generation had alot to be upset about with all the crappy music before it.

Lately, though, since transition, I've found solace in alot of the music before my birth. I love the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, CCR, and the music from the revolution that I feel most comfortable with...the Summer of Love. I wish I was around during that time, because aside from the drugs, it was a beautiful concept of protest and awareness. I can only hope that this current generation wakes up and has their own revolution against the injustices being done in their name.

Life lately

2008-07-15T07:59:00.003-05:00

I got to see Monica a couple weeks back, under very sad circumstances. Having to endure the loss of your mother is something so painful I don't think I could ever bear. She showed so much composure and grace in light of such sadness. The worst part was that I had to leave soon after and didn't get to spend much time with her. It breaks my heart when I think back on that drive home.

What she's been through makes me evaluate my own relationship with my parents. How would I react if my mom or dad died. I rarely see them. I know it would hurt so much, but one of the tragedies of my family life is how distant my family is. I think I need to learn to appreciate more the time I have with them.

Also, last week I joined a friend at work for their 4th edition D&D campaign. Fourth edition is really cool compared to the other ones and I love the way they have the powers set up to be Daily or by Encounter. No longer are you stuck having just a few spells that you have to keep track of memorizing and worrying about running out of. It looks to be pretty neat and my friend's husband is doing a good job developing his world so far...even if it is a bit unfleshed out at the moment.

Another strange turning point occurred last night after IMing Monica. There's a bunch of people from my past that I used to chat with during my pre-transition days on my friends list. When I got on, several of them started IMing me. It was kind of creepy, as most of them are older and only wanted to show me their 'pics' and ask about hormone stuff. It seems there's a threshhold where you stop caring about that kind of stuff and it just becomes everyday. I guess it bothered me some, but maybe I'm just not tolerant anymore--which would be sad.

Fuzziness and the Novel

2008-06-27T10:29:00.003-05:00

Things in life lately have been going real well. My regimen of Lexapro is interesting to say the least. For one, I conitnually feel different. I wonder if the feeling will become permanent? In some ways, I'm worried that by feeling so differently that I'm losing some aspects of my personality. I haven't been depressed, but I find myself pretty lethargic and my thoughts don't come as quick anymore. If anything, it could put a damper on creative energies that I used to have come so easily.

The feeling is much different than the feelings of going on estrogen the first time. Estrogen never felt different, it's just that the effects of it were different. I've loved everything that estrogen has helped with over the years. Since going on the injectible form, the changes were much more pronounced.

Lately, I've been working hard on my book's outline. The story has to be mostly re-written, but it's going to be so much for the better. There are a lot of twists and turns that should make the novel quite memorable. I've also done a large revamp of the history and language of my place which will be essential to making the world "come alive". It was really neat to come up with events that might happen to a medieval society over 700 or so years and create various rulers and what happened during their reign--from plagues to floods, to desertification and mining issues, to various games and pasttimes people would have. It's really exciting building this.

Life!

2008-06-10T14:32:00.002-05:00

Things have been rpetty well for the past few weeks. The medication I have been taken is very interesting. For one, it has calmed me some and givesme this peculiar fuzzy feeling. It's difficult to describe, but it feels kinda neat....I guess it's a very mild, happy buzz type of feeling.

Otherwise, work has been a flurry of activity. We got a new library system in which has been very challenging to get to work properly. It seems like there are lots of fires to put out ever day in getting things fixed. Hopefully things will calm down, but for now, things are pretty edgy!

Last week we had a horrible storm which took our power out for 14 hours! It was rather crazy. It happened at around 10:30 in the evening and our power was out until noon the next day. Thankfully, our fridge has a nice seal on it so nothing spoiled. It was so surreal and beautiful going to sleep hearing nothing but the rain and everything in the house was so quiet.

My book has mutated into a new and more exciting route. I'm having a bit of difficulty restarting it, but when it comes to, it will be a much more exciting version that the one I had planned.

Antidepressants

2008-05-29T08:25:00.003-05:00

So I went to the doctor and am on some antidepressants now. It takes a few weeks for anything noticeable, though I do feel....weirder than before. Over past couple of days my mind feels kind of heavy. I'm not sure how to describe it. It also could be my allergy medication doing that too.

Either way, for the people in my life I love so much, I think this will help. To all my friends and loved ones, I love you all so much.

<3

Borderline Pesonality Disorder

2008-05-27T10:12:00.002-05:00

After this weekend, I'm pretty sure I need to get some mental help.

The worst part, is that it is very likely the cause of my gender identity issues as well--which puts a lot of who I am as a person on shaky ground.

From the Mayo Clinic:

When you have BPD, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. That is, your self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.

My therapist had said I might have this mental illness...now I'm all but certain of it. The worst part is that if it is treatable....what have I been doing to myself all these past few years? My gender identity obviously has changed, but what if it's only temporary? I'm so scared I don't know what to do. And if I get it treated through medication....what will happen?

I don't know anymore.

The people in my life matter so much to me, that I need to get this taken care of, but I'm afraid of the results.

Gender Differences

2008-05-08T07:55:00.002-05:00

There is a really neat series on NPR yesterday and supposedly today about gender identity. Yesterday, the story was about how two families are dealing with their sons who actually feel as though they are girls. One family is trying to cure him, the other is accepting and helping of him.

A lot of these things really hit close to home in this story. Especially the identifying with females, having female playmates as a kid and the like. But the approaches really begin to show that it is really something that can't be cured. Towards the end of the story, you find out that "Bradley" is still not 'cured' of his liking girl things, even after the parents took away everything feminine in his life. Your gender identity is more than toys, clothing, and color preferences. The parents, and the doctor who is trying to cure him, are going to be creating many more problems down the road as the child is simply going to be more frustrated.

You can delay something indefinitely, but what about when the child is on their own and can make their own choices in life? One of the main reasons the parents in the show said they are trying to cure their child is that socially, they feel that someone who is transgender would end up socially isolated for the rest of their life, but mostly through childhood as male classmates couldn't identify with them and that female classmates wouldn't either. I think this is pretty much a crutch for the parents' fears and not consistent with reality. If worked out correctly, you wouldn't even be able to tell the child apart from other females especially if hormone treatments are worked out during their teen years.

In the end, I thought the show did a great job of showing the differences in opinion fairly. Also, today there is an episode dealing with transgendered teens. I'm looking forward to checking that out too.

Lost - Best Show on TV

2008-04-30T08:53:00.006-05:00

I've watched TV for quite some time. My previous favorite show had been Twin Peaks; it was brilliantly writen, with an amazing cast of characters and great acting. It got surreal at times, but I was enraptured by it.

I will go on record as saying that Lost is the best show on TV and after its run, will be remembered as the best ever. Most of its success is due to the phenomenal acting by Michael Emerson, AKA Benjamin Linus. We're in Season 4 right now, and creator J.J. Abrams has stated it will be a 6 season run. Every single show is amazingly crafted and keeps weaving a tale through current events, flashbacks and flashfowards. This season, there was an epsiode called "The Constant" which I can say is probably the best epsiode I've ever seen on TV in any series.

This show is just amazing in the level of detail and the interaction between the ensemble cast. Four seasons in, we're learning more about the island and the details behind it, but technically we're still lost as to what's really going on. If you haven't seen any of the episodes yet, I recommend getting all the seasons on DVD--if you like really good writing, a mysterious plot, and amazing acting you won't be disappointed.

Navel Piercing

2008-04-29T08:21:00.002-05:00

So yesterday I had the afternoon off, and interestingly enough, I was near a tattoo parlor...the same one that did my tongue piercing several years back. So I decided to drop in and get a navel piercing.

I've thought about getting one for awhile now, and it just kept itching at me, so what the heck. It didn't hurt at all, and it didn't even bleed really. I have to occasionally clean the area with some saline solution, but other than that, it looks like it will eventually be a very pretty expresion on my tummy.

I've always wondered why I get the urge to get these piercings, and I'm thinking I love the sense of having something as a little secret for myself to share with those close to me. It might also be because it's a reminder to me of my femininity.

Either way, pictures will be coming sometime when it's healed up.

Why don't they get it?

2008-04-23T10:31:00.003-05:00

I will never understand the purpose of these megachurches, especially the types I went to when I was growing up. My parents and the church I went to filled my head with the most horrible concepts regarding Christian life. Our church and even the current church my parents go to are entertainment supercenters. They have cafes now, gift stores, classes for aerobics, etc. Wouldn't Jesus be mortified to see these places? I mean he went to the Temple and went apeshit over the vendors all around his church.

I've told my parents and everyone I know flat out that the only occasions I will step foot in a church is for weddings and funerals anymore. Just going near them anymore makes me physically ill, because everyone there is mainly donating their money to support a building, a staff of people to run it, and various other programs.

All churches aren't bad. A lot of them do reach out and help the homeless and needy, but for the most part, the money is going to all the wrong places. Instead of giving to a church, it would be much better to spend your time helping at a homeless shelter, or going to a nursery home and being with the elderly, or volunteering or donating stuff to a food pantry.

Femininity

2008-04-16T08:20:00.004-05:00

I have some friends who say that I'm the girliest girl they've met. Others, not so much! What really makes femininity? Is it acting or do you feel it in your soul and it just comes out?

It is an interesting point to ponder for me these days. Some days I feel feminine, some days I just feel "blah!" which is also ok. I am beginning to think that some of it is indeed due to hormonal fluctuations, because I notice that the "blah" feelings tend to come towards the end of my estrogen cycling. But then that would simply be part of a reaction to something biological rather femininity, which I believe transcends that.

So what do you believe to be femininity?

Good weekend

2008-04-02T10:00:00.003-05:00

It was a very good weekend. Sadly, I didn't get enough of stuff done. On the bright side, I'm not feeling sick anymore. I also managed to get my hair trimmed so it's now mostly out of my face and has more volume on the sides.

We spent much of the weekend watching lots of movies. We've been pretty health conscious so we exercise while watching and then relax. The best part is there are no commercials! So I saw Sneakers, Brubaker, The Horse Whisperer, And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself, The Libertine, Donnie Brasco and my favorite Hard Candy.

Hard Candy was great! You owe it to yoruself to see the movie just for the great acting and the crazy dialogue between the characters. The movie also keeps you guessing all the way through to the end. It is definitely one of the better movies I've seen this year.

Things have been going pretty well lately and I am blessed to have such love and happiness in my life. Things are going so well. My next key move is to find a better job....one where I can be myself and one that hopefully challenges me more. I love my job, don't get me wrong, but I don't feel like I am being pushed and learning the way I have in jobs past.

Strange Dreams again

2008-03-25T07:40:00.004-05:00

So I had another really interesting dream last night. This guy from high school who is one of my abandoned friends, myself and Ellen Page from Juno were at some sort of seaside resort where it was freezing out. For some reason, we disrobed and started swimming naked down this narrow river together trying to get somewhere in a certain amount of time. There was snow all along the banks of the river and there were lots of snow-covered trees in the distance. It was really cold and Ellen kept bumping into me as we were all talking about life as we swam. At one point we got out of the river and Ellen told my friend he was too hairy to continue with us, so we all dried off and just her and I continued down the river.

Sadly, the dream ended. I have no idea what caused me to dream this!

The Icky Cold

2008-03-17T14:48:00.003-05:00

So last Monday, I'm feeling great! And that all changed almost in an instant. Tuesday morning I felt horrible and called in sick. Same thing for Wednesday. I thought I was getting better so Thursday I went in with nothing more than a cough which eventually turned into a horrible running nose-congestion nightmare by afternoon. I had Friday off, but had to call in Saturday morning to skip work as well. Finally, today I'm better.

I spent much of the time bundled up in huge fuzzy duck slippers which may grandpa once owned. They are SO warm and cozy and look absolutely silly. I also had on a huge hoody, fuzzy gloves and pink leopard print pajamas. It was a fashion disaster, but it was so warm and helped me alot in getting over the sickies.

On the bright side, I got lots of rest while I was sick. I also lost 4 pounds due to not really wanting to eat while being sick. Conveniently, I also had a PS2 in my room of sickness and mastered the Hard level of Guitar Hero while I was sick as well. It was kind of weird as I would play the notes and see them falling in my head for a couple of those days when I wasn't playing.

And today I came into work from all the ickiness and was greeted by a wonderful Easter Care package!!! I squeed several times and I think I made myself sick on the malted milk balls and yummy chocolate. Thank you, Monica! You are the best sweetie ever! It is so nice to know that someone is thinking of you when you are feeling down and even though I was sick all those days, I felt so much care and love!

Wonderful Times

2008-03-10T14:44:00.004-05:00

So I've been negligent in my blogging lately. Bad Colleen!

A couple weeks back I got to hang out with Monica and friends for another weekend extravaganza of bliss and awesomeness. The first evening, we went out to a wonderful dinner at Red Lobster (<3 Seafood), and then navigated our way through the perilous slushy snow roads to back home for a relaxing evening.

The next day was all about Monica. It pretty much was a wonderful day followed by an even more wonderful evening and party/reception at her place! Laura made the best most amazing Companion Cube cake and along with the awesome Mexican dinner, the evening was spent creating games, playing Wii, and eating the cake which was probably the best cake I've ever eaten ever.

The final day was spent out and about seeing Monica's awesome mom, followed by a quiet time back at home and a great night in. Monica's mom is really so sweet and wonderful. I can totally see where she gets everything good in her! It was very sad to have to head back home, but I know that it won't be long again!

Life has been really good to me lately. The past weeks have reminded me of how lucky and blessed I am. I also have been sticking to my diet very well. I also did some revisions of my book outline that will make it go in some more intriguing directions. And I also renamed some of the characters which had rather cheesy names.

Also, it looks like I'm going to have to bow out of my therapy sessions with the new doctor. The visits are becoming more expensive and she's not a psychiatrist--just a counsellor with a social working degree. On top of that, my homework for my next visit was to "divide up the chores around the house". Lovely. I just paid $150 for someone to tell me to split the work around the house. Sadly, my insurance sucks and the deductible is like $2000 before they start paying for anything.

Lunar Eclipse

2008-02-21T23:21:00.004-05:00

The other evening there was a lunar eclipse. I walked out into my snow-covered lawn and stared up to see a really humbling sight. How many others throughout time have gazed up to see such a beautiful display in the heavens and been inspired? It was truly beautiful and I find I cherish them alot more now than I did when I was younger.

Therapy

2008-02-20T09:40:00.003-05:00

So I had another therapy session yesterday. My therapist is very cool. She's older, has long white hair and seems very liberal. Either way, she was helpful in narrowing down my problems with depression.

It sounds like much of it stems from emotional dysregulation. I have unreal hysterics and depression over certain minor things that happen occasionally, which then sinks me into depressive funks. She's going to be working with me to help me get the tools to respond appropriately to things that happen. Basically, I have the emotional responses of a 2-3 year old, because they were never able to mature.

The root causes of this, she says, are from a Fundamentalist upbringing, where you are told everything in life is 'black and white'. When you are stuck in an environment of blacks and whites, you develop irrational responses to things after you drift from your Fundamentalist world. As I got more liberal over the years after college, my emotional level wasn't able to cope with things which happened to me. It also sounds like she was insinuating that I may have a mild form or symptoms of borderline personality disorder. On the bright side, she says I don't have BPD, but instead exhibit a few symptoms of it, including the emotional regulation thing.

So things are beginning to make sense. Now I have to come to terms with what was causing that and get the tools to handle things better. At least now I know!

A very sad photo

2008-02-08T17:08:00.000-05:00

I ran across this photo and it's one of the saddest photos I've seen in awhile. Some young meth user in NYC's transformation after several bookings and arrests.

You can just see how a pretty girl with a nice smile and maybe even a future full of hope and enjoyment switches photo by photo over into someone who looks like all the beauty, life and happiness has been sucked from them forever.

I wish our government would do more to treat and help drug users. Jailtime is not the answer to this epidemic. Drugs are destroying lives and we are treating them as criminals instead of offering them hope and rehabilitation. The rich should not be the only ones able to afford treatment for this. There is no reason that this poor girl has to be continually booked over and over. Why is no one helping her?

A Pretty Dream

2008-02-03T14:12:00.001-05:00

Last night I had a neat dream/story. I was part of a crew of a small spaceship, and we were exploring space and found a very neat earth-like planet. We did a scan of the surface and found signs of life in one of the small corners of the planet. I was the pilot so I swooped us down to land at that location and settled right next to an aged weathering X-Wing looking craft.

When me and two others exited the craft, we saw a concrete and metal bunker nearby and went in. inside, were dozens of people hooked up to colorful sleeping tubes. We woke them up and they said they had been sleeping for years and trying to survive a disease that was ravaging the planet. They were all dressed in these spandex outfits and I promised the leader that I would send help and get them a cure for whatever it was. When I left another exit of the bunker I stared out at the most beautiful scene of wheat fields and meadows stretched up against small mountains in the distance as the sun cast shadows all over the land. There were these big power line supports stretching from the bunker out past the mountains.

I looked down at the ground and saw a dirty worn cootie catcher on the ground among some other debris. I grabbed onto it as a memory of this beautiful place and started heading back toward the ship. A swift breeze blew the paper from my hand and it kept flying away. I ran after it in desperation and this young blonde girl came out from near the bunker, grabbed it and handed it to me. She looked up at me and told me she was dying from the disease. I promised her I wouldn't let her die and that we would find a cure for them.

Let's Play a Game

2008-01-30T14:42:00.000-05:00

Last year I had an idea for a board game, but didn't really finish and follow through on it. So over the past week or so I've been refining and adding the rules and pieces to the game and am finally done with the initial design aspects. This weeekend, I'll be playtesting it to see if the scoring parts of it are working properly and if it flows fun and smoothly. Right now, the game is very strategic in nature with no dice rolls or playing cards that can be used on other players. There are cards, but they effect all the players in a given round and it's looking to be a neat mechanic.

The key of this game is having an enjoyable game that people can like, yet still have it be fun and competitive while making luck of the dice or draw be a minimal factor in the strategy of the game. Another neat aspect of the game is it's production system, which awards more points for players who go through certain processes of production, but also increases their risk. If all the elements work the way I think they will work, this will definitely be a fun game I can see people playing--especially those who like EuroStyle games like Carcassonne, Puerto Rico and the like.

I hope I'm not biting off more than I can chew--working on book and a game at the same time. Anyway, it is shaping up to be an interesting and wonderful year so far!

I am still reeling from my visit recently and am just full of hope and inspiration for this year. There's nothing I can't do, because I am loved and supported and appreciated and I think feeling that in your life makes things a lot easier to work through problems and be inspired creatively.

Blessed

2008-01-22T11:09:00.001-05:00

Words can't describe really how blessed I am.

Today's my birthday, and this past weekend, again, was one of the best of my life. She makes my knees weak in the way she inspires me to be a better person and everything about her is wonderful and awesome.

I had mentioned that it was getting easier every time because there would be another next time, but this time hurt more than the all the others.

It is amazing to really know what true love is and what it means.

Eternity

2008-01-14T15:16:00.000-05:00

Would you like to live forever? It's been one of the goals of many people to find a way to live forever. Others say that you live forever by accomplishing things in this life and being remembered or by reproducing and passing your DNA onto another generation. Christianity states that there will be a coming judgment and that the good will spend eternity in heaven and the rest in hell.

However, if I was a benevolent deity, I wouldn't dare curse anyone with experiencing eternity. You can't imagine an eternity. One followed by an endless string of zeroes of years.....can you imagine living that long? Would your eally want to remember every day and keep the memories and pains and the boredom of living forever.

So what sounds like the best solution? Well you would let souls live for eternity, yet only have them experience it in small chunks of years in a body at a time, erase the memories and start over again. It's a good solution to a maddening problem.

I remember being younger and pondering eternity and infinity, just repeating over and over and I started to get sad. It finally dawned on me how vast that amount of time really is....and I didn't want to be a part of it. Even if I was forever doing things I enjoyed, like the preachers attempt to sell you, eventually you would weary of existing and experiencing the passage of time.

Be a Man

2008-01-10T11:22:00.000-05:00

For some reason, this phrase gets tossed out a lot, especially in reference to homophobic, transphobic, or just among guys in general. I really don't like the phrase "Be a man", because of the connotations that come with it.

First off, it let's look at what sort of things "Be a man" preceeds:

"Be a man, and take your punishment."
"Be a man and do the right thing."
"Be a man about it."
"Be a man and do blah blah blah."

For the most part it is inferred that the person should do something beacuse that's what men are supposed to do. The downside of this is that it is generally assumed that women or non-male stereotypes can't do the particular action.

What it really comes down to is integrity. When someone says "Be a man" they are really saying show some integrity and take responsibility for X. Which systematically has a gender bias that women apparently don't have integrity or the ability to take responsibility for an issue.

Another thing that it does is try to shame an individual in questioning their masculinity if they don't do that. Essentially, if you can't "Be a man" and do X, then you're a feminine wussy.

But why tie something like personal responsibility, strength of character, and integrity to masculinity? I find it wrong that this term is used to shame people into doing the right thing.

A lot of transpeople hear this I'm sure at somepoint during their transition, and it's pretty hypocritical when its said because the person transitioning generally is taking responsibility and taking charge of an issue that needs dealt with in their lives.

Welcome to the New Year

2008-01-08T16:32:00.000-05:00

Well, 2007 came and went, and for me, it was one of the best years of my life. I rang it in with friends and loved ones and got to experience an amazing year. I can't really explain in words all the happiness and love I felt in my life, other than to say I've never felt that way before.

Over the past few weeks, we got an XBox 360 for Christmas for each other and have been playing a variety of games. Our TV was already HD Ready, so the graphics just look pretty awesome. We've been playing Assassin's Creed, BioShock, Halo 3, Dead Rising, and Call of Duty 3. It is pretty darn fun and I have my parents to thank for since they helped get it for us. The only thing we are missing right now is an internet connection so that we can get on XBox Live and play with family and friends. My nephews have already stated that they want to kick my ass in Halo 3. I'm a bit scared, considering they are only 8 and 10 years old!

Other than that, I am really looking forward for the next week or so. A special someone is visiting and we're going to see Cloverfield! One thing to note is that there is currently an Alternate Realtity Game going on behind the scenes since June of last year. The characters have MySpace pages and there's a variety of blogs and fake news reports that lead to various discoveries that explain the lead up to events on how the monster attacks NYC. Here is a great site that explains the timelines of things that have been happening in the run-up to the movie's premiere.

21 Down

2007-12-20T14:11:00.000-05:00

This week I passed the twenty pounds lost benchmark for my diet. I guess I can't call it a diet anymore, because I really eat what I want anymore, but much less of it and what I want to eat is usually healthy stuff.

I've dropped from a size 14 to a size 10. I really can't beleive it! It's so nice to fit into these old jeans I have, that I couldn't fit into just months ago. The best part, though, is just feeling healthy.

I have 15 more pounds to go and I'm certain I can do it.

Weathering it All

2007-12-10T15:47:00.000-05:00

Things have been well here lately, aside from a sore tummy this past weekend. Not sure what caused it, but it lasted two days, which is kinda unusual.

I've been thinking more about how all the things in my past have helped me weather the rough waters of transition. I think without what I'd been through, I don't think I would have the thick hide able to face life now.

Much of my childhood was rather miserable, being the most unpopular kid in class...being ignored, punched, laughed at non-stop and bullied. Looking back on it, I realize that the horrible things I had to endure wound up making me resistant to that sort of stuff. Five long years from 4th grade to Freshman in high school is what it took to distill an impervious attitude to life. After that, I knew I could face anything. Sometimes, I find myself with a distant "thousand meter stare" of someone who has been through some really traumatic stuff. Every day on my way home for each of those years I had to carefully plan various events in order to get home safely. I only lived a few miles away, but it felt like eternity when you were avoiding bullies.

So now, insults, unless they are from someone I love, are pretty much a thing of the past. I don't know how those who never had to deal with bullying cope with those awkward phases of transition.

Fleecing our Community

2007-11-20T10:27:00.000-05:00

One of my biggest pet peeves lately has been various people who prey on transitioners and their fears by overcharging by insane amounts for simple things.

The first kind I noticed recently are those who prey on fears that many of us have in that first time out shopping for clothes. We all had that fear at one time or another when we went out the first time...the fear that we would be seen as freaks or weird. I remember my first time rather vividly...it was a run through a Meijer store here and I picked up a few things that were rather atrocious now that I think about it! But they had self-service lanes and I made it out safely!

But these particular online stores will charge ridiculous amounts for basic clothes. One place I went was charging $80 for a pair of normal underwear and $120 for nylons. They were selling women's blouses for like $150 and up. Lame wigs you can buy at any wig store for $30-50, they were selling for between $250-350 dollars.

The worst kind, I just read about today in my inbox--that of the post-transition person who offers their 'services' at exorbitant rates for pre-transitioners. The email was from my old therapist who hired on a post-transition assoiciate that ofers these kinds of services. You'll love some of these 'classes' she offers:

Transition Goal Setting and Action Planning $160
Fashion and Color Analysis $120
Undergarments and Foundation Basics $120
Nails – Grooming $80
Techniques for facilitating gender matching (e.g. special under garments, body hair management, etc.) $120
Hair Care/Hair Care Sources and Products $80
Real Life Test: Going Public! (Dealing with public outings during a “field trip”) $240

Yeah! Some nice stuff there! I don't begrudge post-transitioners trying to earn a living, but fleecing our community with these ridiculous classes and prices? That really ticks me off. Transition is hard enough without having to worry about being preyed on. It's even worse when people who have already gone through it "give back" to the community by offering things like this at those prices.

Crazy Sci-fi Adventure Dream

2007-11-17T15:24:00.000-05:00

I haven't been remembering my dreams lately, but this one was too cool to forget.

Most of the dream was in a dark basement with dim flourescent lighting. I was with a dozen or so people, including some guy who looked like Sam Neil, but a bit older and with grey hair. We were chatting and hiding it seemed. In the dream, it seemed as though everyone I with was gay, and I was the only woman there. Sam Neil-guy was fiddling around with a wrench and touching it to the exposed ceiling pipes in different angles, and was able to create a magnetic field. Eventually, he used this field to vanish into a parallel dimension, leaving behind just the wrench. We were all shocked.

Then the government started to chase us and we moved through the woods to another hideout in an abandoned home in a suburb. Sadly, the government found us, and took us out into the streets. It was early morning and the sky was that hazy dark grey before the sun comes up. As we were being led down the street in a single file line, I mentioned, "So this is how it ends? With no one saying anything?" None of the residents of the houses appeared at all and we were marched toward a long table in the middle of the street with burgers and chips and cheap plates and forks and stuff. This was to be our last meal before we were taken to an extermination camp in a nearby government bus.

Me and another of the guys escaped the meal line and ran for a nearby house. We barged in and headed to the basement where I frantically picked up a random wrench from a workbench nearby and stood up on a ladder and tried pressing it up to the pipes in the exposed ceiling. The guy with me kept telling me to hurry and I could feel a magnetic pull on the wrench. There was a commotion outside as the government agents were breaking in and grabbed my friend and were about to grab me as I tried it one last time.

Then all of a sudden, Sam Neil-guy appears from the ceiling and lands ontop of me, knocking me to the ground to which I blurted out, "I LOVE YOU!!" He smiled, dressed in a black leather jacket and jeans and moved off me to go take care of the government agents and save us! I remember thinking, "Oh he's so dreamy!"

...and then I woke up. Strangely, I woke up 2 minutes before my alarm clock was about to go off.

On religion

2007-11-13T16:13:00.000-05:00

I used to be a very devout Conservative Christian...the kinda that pretty much unsettles me now. I was very bigoted, very unhappy, very uninformed. College changed a lot of that and so did finally coming to terms with things in my life.

I finally realized that the Bible is mostly a load of junk, and more of a historical record than not. I also realized that anyone who claims to tell you what happens when you die is also full of it. In becoming a devil's advocate for everything wrong with the Bible, I lost my faith and realized that life is so much more complex than being given a book and told to read it for your insight.

So what then? I started from nothing. I guess I could've stayed with nothing, but it wasn't really spiritual to have nothing. There is no hope for the future with nothing...because right now with science, in zillions of years the universe will have expanded into a freezing death full of nothing but aimless particles.

So I chose.

I chose Christianity because I was familiar with it. I choose to believe against the rationality that there is nothing to believe in. And now my Christianity is refined from the glob of coal it was before, to a shiny diamond of simple beliefs in the Golden Rule, the Beatitudes, the Sermon on the Mount, and the teachings and life of someone who has been hijacked by many religions for many other purposes. I believe he died for us all and that we are all saved by His Grace. You can choose to believe it or choose not to believe it, but in the end, He Loves you...and I love you.

Is it wrong to choose your religion or does religious awakening happen from other circumstances in life? Do we simply follow the religion of our parents and community or how do we find out what truths mean to us?

Against everything I know to be real and factual, I have faith in something that defies all reason.

A friend I didn't know

2007-11-08T09:19:00.000-05:00

Last night, my friends and I went out to celebrate the life of a friend who passed a couple weeks ago. I wasn't able to attend her funeral, but we spent last night at her favorite restaurant in downtown Indianapolis--English Ivy's.

I didn't know too much about her, even though I had hung out with her about a dozen times over the few years. She was one of the people at our therapy group who talked a lot. She had a lot of funny stories, but as for her personal life, I only knew a little.

It just seems sad that I will never get to know them, and that I didn't get to spend more time with them. Maybe we take for granted that friends in our lives will be there, and that there's always a next time that we will see them if we are busy or have other things going on. I knew there were a few times she wanted to get together but I was busy. Now I feel guilty that I let those moments go. Perhaps they could've been one more good memory of her that I would have to share with her friends or jus to reflect on.

The best ever

2007-10-30T12:23:00.000-05:00

Nothing leaves me sadder and in tears quite like my farewell from Pittsburgh after visiting with Monicutie. It's really impossible to describe the felings. Usually I'm on a high and then I go into shock as I realize that I have to wait again. It's so heartbreaking, but everytime I leave aI have with me memories and love that will last forever.

On this trip, we went out to a a lovely seafood restaurant on the Waterfront, and followed it up with a great showing of 30 Days of Night.

The nest day we spent relaxing and enjoying stuff. We went to a great sushi restaurant in the evening and then spent hte evening watching Ace of Cakes, South Park and whole bunches of stuff.

Then, we spent the next day relaxing for the most part and doing some shopping as we got prepared for a rousing night out at a haunted house. It was a bit rainy most of hte day, but by the night it had cleared up. Monica went as the lovely Raven and I went as Starfire from Teen Titans. Jeff went as the Green arrow, but was sadly mistaken for Legolas and Peter Pan. It was way fun in the haunted house! The haunted house baddies were paying extra attention to Monica and I for some rason ^_^. After that, we came home and carved pumpkins, watched movies and had a great time (as always!)

The next day, we went out to the zombie walk at Monroeville mall. It was rough getting up early, but it was a lot of fun and apparently there were a record number of zombies in attendance. Zombilicious!

And now, I'm back at the home front, and it's never the same. Though....there will always be a next time and there's never a farewell. Someday, I won't have to say farewell though....

A Healthy Time

2007-10-23T07:47:00.000-05:00

Three more pounds have slipped away and life seems to be going well. This week I get to journey to see some very close friends and that is the best thing ever! it's so rough having to wait so long, but at least there's the Internets!

Lately, it's been work work work, and when I'm not at work, I'm at home playing World of Warcraft too much. I think I really need to break free from this game in some way as it does monopolize my time way too much. It gets sad when I think of how much time over the years I've probably spent on the computer, when I could've been out with friends. On the other hand, since the Internet revolution, friends can be made online...so are you really wasting time on some of these games when you actually do have social interaction?

March of Progress

2007-10-08T18:59:00.000-05:00

My weight loss is continuing, albeit very slowly. I'm losing about 1-2 pounds a week now and will probably keep on that for a few months if I can keep going steady at it. I'm regularly clocking in about 1100-1300 calories a day, which isn't bad.

Three of the things I've found crucial to losing weight:

1) Load up on food in your fridge and freezer in preparation for it. Get bulk good food and veggies for whatever you feel your diet may need. I get bulk Goldfish, salmon, asparagus, bread, chicken and lunch meat to tide me over for several weeks. Temptation comes when you don't have your weight loss materials ready to eat. When I'm nearly out of my salmon, I head out to get grab a ton more.

2) Exercise. It's the only real way to lose significant weight. While you can start to lose a few pounds by eating right and reducing your weight, the only way to experience dramatic loss over time is to significantly ofset what you eat by exercising. For me, I run for a quick 15 mins and that shaves about 200 calories off my allotment for the day. When I want to really lose some more weight, I can double that and see some more calorie loss.

3) Snack between meals. To keep your metabolism going throughout the day, eating small snacks in between your meals and after dinner. For me, my snack of choice is a 100 calorie snack bar. And of course goldfish (the crackers...not the actual swimmy ones!)

All in all I've found that after a few months, this becomes habit. You automatically avoid temptations and even if you do eat big one day, you can offset it by eating less the next. It's so nice getting back into shape and feeling like I finally have control over how I eat.

The best year of my life

2007-09-26T07:42:00.000-05:00

From Valerie's Letter in V for Vendetta:

Work improved. I got small film roles, then bigger ones. In 1986 I starred in "The Salt Flats." It pulled in the awards but not the crowds. I met Ruth while working on that. We loved each other. We lived together and on Valentine's Day she sent me roses and oh God, we had so much. Those were the best three years of my life.

I know that whatever I face in life. No matter what hardships I go through in the future, I had roses and apologized to nobody.

The words love and thanks don't do justice anymore for how I feel.

Motivation

2007-09-24T11:22:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile, but I'm still working on my diet. I'm pretty surprised I've lasted this long, but once you get in the hang of it, it becomes second nature. I've been working out every day, running for about 15-20 minutes. On the downside though, I've noticed since I've started working out my allergies are a lot worse. I've been having to use my inhaler a couple times a day, whereas previously I'd go without using it for a couple days. I think I'll need to see a doctor about getting on some regular allergie or asthma medication.

Saturday night, I went out to a workplace party with a few of my friends. His family hsoted it and it was a great time! Sadly, I had to leave a bit earlier than I'd have liked because I had arrangements with Jen that evening too. Jen and I went out to see Transformers and I have to say it was even neater the second time around!

What Goes Around

2007-09-13T10:46:00.000-05:00

My exercise fest continues! I 've lost a total of 7 pounds now and the weight seems to be dipping much slower now, but at a steady pace. As much as I don't like Wal-Mart, they have some really good bulk marinated individually sealed salmon fillets that I am now quite fond of. I picked up quite a few bags of them, along with bundles of asparagus and have been having that most evenings.

The running is getting easier now too. For some strange reason, running in shoes started to wind me alot. I wasn't able to run my full distance when I started trying to wear them. Now, however, I went back to barefoot on the treadmill and it is much easier again to run even farther than before.

I am finding myself able to resist nearly all deserts, candies and other temptations that will sidetrack my diet. My only weakness is some crackers in the evening, but I hear that Goldfish crackers will rememdy that. Apparently, you can have like 50 or so Goldfish crackers and they are only 100 calories? That sounds right up my alley if it's true!

On the downside, I find myself very exhausted lately, and even finding moments of depression amid the days. I wonder if it's because I'm not eating right, or if it's because I am some kind of bipolar fruitbat? I am beginning to think I may be bipolar and that might be causing my mood swings.

All in all, I can't wait till October (yay!), and with autumn here now, life is only going to get better as this is my favorite time of the year.

Four Things

2007-08-31T12:05:00.000-05:00

Michelle tagged me to try this meme out, and it looked fun so here goes:

4 jobs I've had in my life
Secretary - This was a really neat job. I was in a cubicle setting near the exectuive offices of an insurance company and I was the only secretary there who knew MS Word. So I did a lot of the other girls' work as well!

Electronics Boutique salesperson - What more could a geek want than selling games at EB?! Not only did I get to play games for free and bring them home, but I got the first pick of new games when they came in. Sadly, I wasn't much of a console game player back then, so I didn't appreciate all the fun stuff out.

Nuclear Power Plant intern - Like Homer Simpson, I got to go around the nuclear plant and help the computer people with radiation monitoring equipment.A lot of times I was in a nice office and working on entering stuff in a database. The best parts were getting to go around in the radiation zones and see stuff like the glowing blue rods underwater. Yeah, don't stand too close to those.

Day Care center custodian - I did yardwork and groundskeeping with a high school friend at a day care center. It was crazy fun and the boss was a bit of a tightwad though. For some reason we had to go in and clean HIS house every Saturday. I was only 16 and didn't know that it was probably against the law. I felt like an indentured servant :P

4 places I've lived
Sterling, Illinois - Where I was born!
Phoenix, Arizona - Where I lived much of my life when I was younger
Fort Meade, Maryland - Where I trained in the Army as a Public Affairs person for several months
Indiana - Where I live now!

4 favorite foods
Anything Mexican
Scallops
Asparagus
Anything Italian

4 places I'd rather be
Pittsburgh, PA ^_^
Rome, Italy - I've always wanted to visit there!
England/Ireland - Another place I want to visit sometime
Germany - I love this country. The people are so friendly.

4 movies I can watch over and over
Aliens - I have it almost all memorized
Lord of the Rings trilogy - I never grow tired of this one!
The Princess Bride - probably my favorite movie of all time
Kill Bill series - Brilliant and action packed.

4 TV shows I like to watch
Top Chef
Survivor - my favorite show when it's on
Lost - another favorite
Law & Order SVU

4 websites I view daily
CNN
Yahoo
My work's website
WoWWiki - All the World of Warcraft info you'll ever need!

4 computers I have owned
I'm dating myself here like Michelle:
Atari 800
Commodore 64 - THE BEST
Xenith X86 Portable computer - Portable my butt!
My Homemade 2.6 GHz Colleeny Special

4 people to tag
I won't tag anyone, but if you like the meme...go for it!

Guitar Hero and Dieting

2007-08-27T15:13:00.000-05:00

Saturday evening, I went to a neat party for a friend at work's husband. It was a rather large gathering and many of them are gamers like myself. It was quite a good time, and they had a nice BBQ grill and lots of food and snacks....which I happily resisted! I limited myself to a bottle of hard cider and a burger and hotdog. Not too bad.

So later on, they break out the Guitar Hero on their entertainment system. I'd always seen the game, but hadn't had the opportunity to play it. Many of them were drunk and having quite a blast on it and I tried it too and it was super fun! So Sunday, I went out and got the game with a guitar controller and was playing some of the day. I now have another horribly nerdy hobby! Oh no!

As for my dieting, I've been running a lot the past few days. I've been running a full mile, follower by ten minutes of cooldown walking on an incline. I checked our scales at work today and I'm down 5 pounds! And that's just one week! I'm so excited about losing weight and eating right. This is going to be the best few months ever and I'll finally get rid of this excess baggage!

Inspired!

2007-08-24T09:37:00.000-05:00

The diet is going great so far! And not only the diet, but also the exercise. I seem to have a lot of energy during the day again, even though it is hard to get up in the mornings.

I've been keeping myself to about 1000 calories a day, and not only that, I've been cutting out the bread. So far, the yumminess is helped by being able to eat large helpings of fish and asparagus every night. Oh my it is so good!

And the exercise has been helping a lot too. I have been doing 30-60 crunches a day and running for 15-20 minutes on the treadmill. Hopefully the pound swill soon melt away!

The best part though, is that my attitude and willpower are getting better. I feel more focussed and happy on getting back into shape and getting on with transition. I'v ebeen contacting FFS doctors left and right asking for consultations and all that good stuff.

Diet Time

2007-08-20T12:34:00.000-05:00

So this weekend I went out and went grocery shopping in preparation for diet time. I bought a metric ton of asparagus and tilapia fillets and also salmon fillets and chicken breasts. I have found that I am now a huge fan of asparagus. I could likely eat the stuff as candy, because it tastes so darn good when it's grilled.

Since it's worked for Michelle in the past, I'm giving the South Beach Diet a try this time around. I think this should be pretty easy to follow since all I really have to do is cut out all bread, rice and starchy stuff for a few weeks. I also have all the dinners planned out for the next two weeks.

I also have been looking into getting FFS done and I know this is something I finally want to get over with. I'm looking at either Dr. Zukowski or Dr. Suporn over in Thailand. The only problem right now is how to finance it.

I Lost Myself

2007-08-18T11:48:00.000-05:00

Lately, through too much online game playing and the realization of wonderful friends in my life, I've realized I've lost my way in transition.

Among things, I've slowed down my regimen of medication in a holding pattern. I also really stopped caring about my weight. I also stopped really pursuing the things I need to do in order to make my life the one I want to live...instead...I settled into monotony and habit, rather than change.

I realize now how it happens....it happens one small step at a time. It's never a big change. Tiny bits of apathy pile up until you get off the side of the road or on another path and look over at where you are supposed to be and say, "What the hell am I doing over here?"

When I look in the mirror, I don't see that woman I saw just months ago or even a year or two ago who was going through transition. I see the old me from many years back and it's scary. I have a lot of work to do to get back on track and I'm going to have to make some changes that are really going to suck.

Breeding Stock

2007-08-09T09:41:00.000-05:00

I've watched a few movies lately that touch on something very close to me and something that has always riled me up--the male portrayal of women as mere wombs for breeding.

The first movie I saw recently that dealt with that was Pan's Labrynth. In that particular movie, the mother was being kept alive throughout much of the movie for the sole reason of providing a child for the the Captain. He didn't care at all about her, but it was the child that mattered...having the offspring was what mattered and keeping his legacy.

Over the weekend I saw The Hills Have Eyes 2, which opened with a horrific scene of a poor woman who had been captured by mutants and strapped down for 9 months to a nasty bed to provide a baby for the mutants. After she's done giving birth, the mutant kills her. It was just horrible imagining such an experience.

And while most treatment isn't as bad in Western Society, in the Middle East and India and many countries around the world, women still are are seen as breeding stock. Honor killings are rampant in order to preserve male reputations and women are nothing but mere property to be won.

Then you only have to look to American culture and shows like The Pickup Artist on VH1 to see that women are still viewed as nothing more than prized to be won. Commercials show us all the pretty girls that men can aspire to achieve if they use their various products. So case in point....women are a commodity...not people.

I now see how much work feminism has ahead of it in securing equal rights for women. It may never happen with a securely entrenched patriarchy...at least in America.

Crazy week

2007-08-08T20:00:00.000-05:00

This poison ivy won't go away! It's just plain evil. Needless to say I will never be working in the yard ever again...except maybe in the winter!

Things were going fine much of last week and the pill regimen was working. The bad thing, though was that it was only a 6 day regimen and on Friday, I took my last pill. Saturday night, the rashes began to appear again, but this timein huge 5-10 inch hives all over where the poison ivy had been. And they itched even worse this time!! So basically, I had a relapse. The worst part though was that it was very hard to breathe....something with the hives was heightening my asthma really bad.

Monday, I went back in to the doctors and they gave me a shot and got me back on a heavy regimen of prednisone. Sadly, they gave me too much! My regimen made my body feel on fire as my metabolism went crazy. Then, my heartbeat went crazy! So all Monday and through the night I was all hyped up and couldn't sleep at all. My body was on fire and just wouldn't go to sleep.

On Tuesday I went to the hospital where they lowered my dose and ran some checks on my heart to make sure everythign was ok. Whew! What an ordeal. I have come to conclude that poison ivy is the most evil thing on earth.

On a good note, I was able to somehow finish my first chapter of my book! I am so excited and am going to start working onthe second chapter this week. I feel very inspired to write now, and I think that's a great thing. I am hoping to get a lot of good headway in the book and eventually get this done!

Ivy Rage!

2007-07-30T14:33:00.001-05:00

This past week was spent battling a horrifying bout of poison ivy. It finally spread all over my body...to my tummy and legs and everywhere. I know I didn't touch all that stuff! Anyway, it got sooo bad and the blisters so huge that I decided, it's time for some doctor's intervention.

Friday, I went to the doctor's office and she gave me a steroid shot of something powerful....something that would make Barry Bonds uncomfortable! That day, in the evening, all the blisters had vanished! The spots were still there though and now they are healing. They itch like crazy, and I'm now on some tablet regimen, but it worked!

So if you ever get posion ivy....get your butt to a doctor. I thought I might be able to just wait it out, but there's no reason to. Thank goodness!

Itchy and Scratchy

2007-07-23T13:36:00.000-05:00

Oh the joys of poison ivy!

I spent Friday doing a lot of yardwork and was pretty much protected...or so I thought.

Saturday, I got to hang out with Jen after the Harry Potter frenzy at work and we enjoyed some ice cream and then a movie....specifically Knocked Up. This was kind of a funny movie, with too much frat boy humor :P. Anyway, it was really fun to get to see Jen. She's recovering from sprained ankles from her motocross fun, but otherwise doing well.

And then Sunday.....the ivy came! First, I woke up early int he morning in cold sweats. When I really woke up finally later that morning I had rashed all over my left arm. Now, today, they are also over my right arm! OH GOD! I hope they don't spread. I swear I am never doing any yardwork ever again! This is the final straw.

Heaven in Steel City

2007-07-16T11:01:00.000-05:00

Everytime I go out to Pittsburgh it is an even better time than the last time! Perhaps, because all my fondest memories lately have been from trips to see Monicutie and company.

On Thursday, we hung out and enjoyed a crazy Chinese Buffet. It was so awesome, and strangely enough, they had Sushi there. Sushi + Monica = Freakin' awesome! They also had fried squid, which is always the correct choice when it comes to tentacley goodness. That evening, we watched Dead Alive, which has to be the funniest and grossest movie ever made. Honestly, you owe it to yourself to see this if you are a zombie fan or a Peter Jackson fan. Jeff also built a freakin' sweet game cabinet to play all kinds of sweet video games! It looked so good, and I had no idea he had built it himself.

The next day was followed by some shopping and going out to Butler to see Monica's family. Needless to say it was such a great time and to walk around in the nice cozy breeze was great. The biggest surprise though came in the evening. We had been decorating for Laura's birthday party when it was revealed that the party was actually for me. It was a belated birthday party. I cried and I'm still in shock even today that some friends would care enough to do that for me. I feel humbled, honored and even in awe of such a great group of people that I now have in my life that I couldn't have imagined just years ago.

We went out to the Cheesecake Factory that night and met Miranda, who is quite the hoot! Then we went back and gorged on a delicious blueberry cake that Laura handmade. Holy cow! Talk about cake-tastic.

As if days couldn't get better, the next day was followed by a melange of dropping by the O' in Pittsburgh for hot dogs, and then a nice walk through town to burn off the horrible calories, and then we went to see Transformers and go bopping about a mall. Transformers was an awesome movie. Totally! I didn't think they could do a good job with it, but they didn't even look like CGI robots....they looked real and kicked ass.

That evening we settled down to watch Isolation, which was about a mutant death cow. We topped the night off with a rousing game of Kashi that Monica made and it rocked! She so needs to get her game published, because it was crazy fun and I want to play it a million more times!

And then Sunday...the sadness. I cried on the way home like I generally do when I get to be myself and be with people I care so much for. This trip finally sunk in how lucky I am to have such good friends, and it drove home how awesome Monica is. When I grew up, I never knew that friends could be like this. It's all so new to me to have friends who are so loving and supportive the past few years that I am realizing for the first times in my life what friendship really means. I feel dumbfounded at times trying to adjust to this and hope that I can show my friends how much they mean to me. I love you all!

Live Earth

2007-07-09T12:04:00.000-05:00

What an amazing day this was! 7/7/07. It was a day full of music and craziness and all day on Bravo. While I was working most of the day on remodelling the house, we also spent it watching and listening to the great messages and the great music.

My favorites were Duran Duran, Rihanna, Enrique Iglesias, Alicia Keys, The Foo Fighters, The Smashing Pumpkins, and Nunatak. Nunatak was a band of scientists playing in Antarctica and they did a great job considering the cold. There was also a really cool girl band from China that played a bunch of strange string instruments and that was awesome too. The best though was Melissa Etheridge. Damn she ROCKS liv, and she has such a wonderful message too. How beautiful that the world could come together for even just one day with the language that is almost universal....music!

It was also nice to see Karen Duffy helping host the program. She was my favoritist MTV VJ of all time! I still have a crush on her from all those years ago

Now what will we all do to help make the future a place we can all live? Despite what the conservatives and Bush think, global warming is real and we are the cause. It's time to help do what we can to pressure corporations by boycotting driving lame cars that guzzle gas, and supporting companies which are environmentally friendly and working to keep carbon neutral profiles. I'm excited!

Ennui

2007-07-06T15:32:00.000-05:00

I've had a little bit of ennui going on lately.

Several weeks back my parents bitched me out about not being able to make their 'family reunion' out in San Diego. I got told all sorts of things like how disappointed they were in me and all that sort of stuff so I laid it on them and let them know that some of the reasons I didn't go, aside from the fact that it is hard for me to get time off from work being a temp manager now, was that I was pretty depressed and I wasn't about to spend 4-5 days with 4 children and out on a beach and not being able to be myself.

Also, I let them know that I would've been happy to come if I was able to dress the way I wanted to and then that's when they said "Oh we thought you were over that stuff." Yeah. Over that stuff.

My family refuses to seem to understand me. Now that want me on medication to fix the depression I have. Yeah, just take medication without really treating the underlying problem.

Remodelling

2007-07-05T10:24:00.001-05:00

Our home is undergoing some changes lately, and it has been fun to work on them. We are remodelling a living room area to turn it into a computer/entertainment/gaming area. It hsould look really nice once it's done. We bought two glass desks and they will look very smooth when they are set up along with the other furniture in the room. This weekend's project will include getting an area rug for the doggies to lay on, and new curtains.

Things have been going well...I've been working out the past week and it feels great. I've also been eating better so hopefully I can lose some more weight before I go out to Pittsburgh. ^_^

Otherwise, life has just been going on. Work has been very crazy lately with lots of management duties. I guess the good part is that this will look wonderful on a resume' someday and I've been hearing I'm doing a decent job, so you can't beat that.

The Last One to Die, Please Turn Out the Light

2007-06-22T09:06:00.001-05:00

I saw Children of Men last weekend and it really touched me. I totally recommend checking it out as it touches on some good thought-provoking questions.

For one, imagine a world where no babies have been born for 18 years. How depressing would that be? I think I take for granted all the kids screaming around me at times, but you begin to understand through this movie exactly how bleak a future would be without kids. There would be no hope at all.

And that's really what the movie is about...clinging to hope. For many people, our hopes and dreams lie in future generations and our children, and no matter what happens, maybe things will be better in the future. However, when there is no generations coming in....how would you react? Would anything at all be worth it in life? How hard would it be to keep hope in such a world?

On a coincidental note, the last part of the movie ends up in the town of Bexhill in England. This is kind of neat because I used to be involved in the Society for Creative Anachronism, and the name I took way back in the early 90s ended in "of Bexhill." I am not sure why I picked the name back then, but it sounded really cool and this is the first time I've seen it used anywhere!

That Funk

2007-06-21T08:05:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you get into a rhythm of lameness in your life and you need to break out of it! Too much video games here and not enough on concentrating on what really matters in life has been making me pretty crummy the past few months.

I have a vacation coming up next month, so now is the time to get into shape and take better control of my hormone regimen. Sadly, I have been slacking over the past several months as I hoped that maybe lowering my dosages would make me feel better. Sadly, it did somewhat the opposite and has been leading to me revisiting horrible things like acne and oily skin, and mild depression again. It's time to get back in gear and back on the program.

So, that means much less snacking and more watching what I eat. I also have to admit, I've been eating horrible the past month! Oh goodness...too much fast food, but watching Fast Food Nation has pretty much cured me of eating a lot of fast food lately. It was a pretty good movie, and if you ever want to see what goes into your burgers, well....you probably won't want to eat a lot of burgers after seeing this movie.

Now, I just need to find more ways to eat healthy. For one, I think I need more fish in my diet. Fish is really good stuff. And secondly, more vegetables. This is the hard part! I generally loathe veggies. I don't suppose anyone has some good veggie recipes out there to make them palatable? Otherwise, it's back to salady goodness!

Spooky!

2007-06-14T22:03:00.001-05:00

So I'm a big fan of Wikipedia and yesterday I was browsing through some entries when a name popped in my head to do some research on--Kurt Waldheim. I'm not sure why it popped in my head, but I decided to check it out. I remember him being some sort of ambassasdor but I couldn't remember what.

I did some research on him and found out that he has been pretty much ostracized because of lapses in his history during WWII that and possible Nazi ties. I remember reading the guy was way old! I also learned he was Secretary General of the UN back in the 1980s.

Now the eerie thing...today he died!

Yesterday, he was quite alive and in fact was the oldest living Secretary General of the UN, and now today he croaked. Very weird! I hope I don't look up anyone else and find out they croak the day after I find out some information about them.

Anyone else had any creepy experiences like this?

Pride Day

2007-06-11T18:44:00.000-05:00

I spent much of my day on Saturday down at the Pride Day festival in downtown Indy. It was quite the event! At first, I was going there to meet Jen and help her friend Stephanie move to a new apartment. That was all fine and cool and afterwards, we enjoyed a nice pizza on Mass Ave out on their patio. It was totally a beautiful day.

Afterwards, we walked down to the War Memorial Park where the celebrations were going on. There were people everywhere! It felt so good seeing so many couples out there and so many people just having a blast to the music.

I dropped Jen and her frend off and then came back and met up with some coworkers an hour later. It was way cool to get to see them here and some of them had never seen me out and about so it must've been a bit of a change for them.

Another surreal thing was seeing protesters there, with all kinds of signs deploring Gay Pride as an abomination before God, and steps queer people can take to change their ways. I can't remember having been somewhere where people were actively protesting against my beliefs and I have to say it felt good. I wanted to run over there and hug each of those Fundies, and let them know that I love them, even though they are so misguided in their ways.

With a nice SPF 15 lotion and my cute straw hat, I was able to avoid the sun's evil burning ouchiness. I will have to remember this for my trip out to Pittsburgh this coming July! That sun can't keep me away from fun.

Autumn

2007-06-04T18:56:00.000-05:00

There is no time of the year I love more than autumn. I absolutely hate spring and summer and I'm not sure why that is. I am sure it has something to do with hating the sun, but also more with the fact that I have some wonderful memories in my life that always happen in autumn.

First, it's got my favorite holiday--Halloween. Second, the weather is perfect in autumn, and the leaves begin to fall from the trees and everything becomes nice and cooler out from the scorching summer. I find the sun looks more beautiful in autumn and the sunsets and sunrises are much more vivid.

Finally, people come into my life in autumn. I am not sure why this is, but I am always meeting people around this time of the year. I think since I love the month so much, I open myself up more to people. I'm really looking forward to autumn this year and getting to spend Halloween in Pittsburgh :)

Anyway, this is just my ode to autumn and how much I miss those few months, which are always my favorite months of the year. And with global warming being as it is, I think I can comfortably add December to the season. :)

Let it Be

2007-05-24T10:12:00.000-05:00

Life.

It's amazing how quickly it passes you buy.

Looking back on my life, I can see how many interesting changes have occurred just within the past 10 years. Within the past 5 years, the changes are even more dramatic. I lost friends and I've gained friends.

I've had so many viewpoints that I once held so dear, turned upside down on their heads. I was once a deeply conservative bigoted right-wing Christian, and now I'm a radical liberal who openly loves and is fascinated by and respects so many different religions. I was once consumed by collecting all sorts of things, and now I could care less about all my meager possessions, save for some sentimental ones.

Change.

Expand your ideas. Expand your horizon. Believe beyond yourself, and you will find that out there is an amazing world out there. Trust everyone, be kind to everyone and life will give back to you in so many ways.

Wanderlust.

I know some people who have never left the confines of their hometown. There are so many places I've been and thousands more I'd love to visit in the future. To see different people, to be around different people from different cultures opens your mind to so many possibilities.

Love.

Never close yourself off to love and loving. Even the people who have hurt you the most in life, deserve your love. It's easy to be kind to those who are kind back to you. It's so much harder to love those who wrong you. And those who do love you, and those you love, love them every day like it was the last day you are going to see each other. Never take for granted those whom you love.

Doing Great!

2007-05-18T11:11:00.001-05:00

Well things have been pretty well here for me. I got a temprorary promotion at work which is leaving me in charge of our little department for several months. If I do a good job, it'll look great on a resume'. I love management, but I think thte worst part is that the responsibility for everything rests on your shoulders when you are in charge. This is what motivates people to be better managers, hopefully!

My book is going well too. I'm prety excited with the direction it is going. Lately, I hadn't been too inspired, but I have flurries of activities and that rocks!

Otherwise, my free time is spent in World of Warcraft. It is an evil world that draws you in and won't let you go! Oh well! At least it's a fun evil world.

Another thing is that lately I've been watching a lot of Monica's work for class and I just can't beleive how awesome and talented she is. She's using a lot of tools that the game industry uses and it's amazing some of the things she is coming up with video/3D modelling wise! I'm so proud of her! I can't wait to see more of her work too.

Wacky Dreams Continue

2007-05-03T14:48:00.000-05:00

This was an interesting series of dreams last night.

The first part, I was in a cabin with some other girls...one of which was Monica and our cabin was slowly falling to earth! Anyway, somehow we had an idea to deploy some sorts of parachutes from the cabin roof and our cabin started to glide and drift ever so slowly. Outside the windows, it was snowing as the tree branches swayed in the dreamy wind.

The next scene, we had landed and I got the idea of making up a sorority for the girls in the cabin so we could keep in touch. For some reason, I came up with the "Satin Sorority" as only a dumb blonde can come up with. Then I tried to come up with our greek letters, and came up with "Iota Pi", but I thought that would not be good because it was too close to I Eat a Pie (which would be great aside from the naughty connotations).

Then I was in a big gaming convention center, wandering around. I walked by my old guy friends who were citing in a outdoor patio setting and they totally ignored me as if I didn't exist. This was a first for my dreams, and hopefully a good turning point as my mind realizes they are gone and are happy to let them be. Then, I walked by some young kids who were trying to play the Top Secret RPG about spies and secret agents and I was like, "I used to play that." But then I got up from them and left and made my way to the windows of the center and saw a whole bunch of people outside in a huge swimming pool having fun on inflatable tubes and partying. I opened the glass door and walked out and slipped into, smiling as the partygoers welcomed me into the pool.

Ma Vie en Rose

2007-04-30T17:58:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you watch a movie that is so beautiful and touching that you just go 'wow' afterwards. Ma Vie en Rose is an older movie and nearly impossible to find at any of the stores, but I was lucky to find a copy at a library and got to see this foreign gem. It's about Ludovic and how he sees himself as a girl. The movie is basically all about his family, neighbors and friends reactions to this revelation and the little twists that go with it. It is heartbreaking and heartwarming all at once as the family's status crumbles all because of something so innocent and sweet.

If you get the chance to check this movie out, go for it.

To Finish a World

2007-04-23T18:20:00.000-05:00

I need to get back on track!

My novel is not progressing much other than a few pages. The important thing to do is just get this thing done! It's going to be a long book, and I'm not sure if I should split it up, but write now I just need to start writing.

Where is the motivation? Apparently you can finish a book in about a year with only 1-2 hours a night of solid effort. I think I need to start making time for myself in a better way.

The sad thing is, I know I have a good story. I just need to actually do it. Having an idea and having the fortitude to actually write it out are two very different things.

Again, it's motivation that's the problem. I need to get motivated! Growl!

Sermon on the Mount

2007-04-21T09:49:00.000-05:00

I consider myself a very liberal Christian. I don't believe in much of the Bible--basically only the Gospels as they are the true core of what Jesus said and did during his lifetime. The gospels contain one of the most beautiful stretches of literature that I have read, the Sermon on the Mount.

If every Christian simply ignored the rest of the Bible and lived by the words in this Sermon by Jesus, we would have a beautiful world that we live in. Tragically, most Christians will never understand the implications of this sermon. For one:

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

It is hard to live like this. It is so much easier to hate. Hate comes naturally when people wrong us or do bad things to us. Think of how our supposed "Christian Nation" would really respond to such things? Our macho culture is taught that being passive is wrong. Being beaten up and not responding is wrong. Our culture admires and even encourages revenge...and yet here Jesus lets us know in plain talk that that's not the right road if you want to be a Christian.

There are so many good lessons from this Sermon on how to be a good Christian. To greet the bad things that happen to us in life with grace and to offer warmth and love when greeted by hate and anger. Jesus turned much of the Old Testament on its head with his sayings and teachings during this sermon...so why do people still quote Leviticus anymore? Jesus said that everyone in our life deserves love...and most especially the people who don't like us or the people whom we don't like.

To my old friends that abandoned me, I love you. I wish you only the best and even though it hurts everytime I think of you, you will always be in my heart till my last breath.

To those that I've wronged in the past, I hope that you can forgive me for not realizing how wonderful you were and what a bad example of person I was.

All the Goodness

2007-04-20T15:22:00.000-05:00

Things have been pretty good here lately. The only thing is that I've been feeling a bit crampy in my kidney area and it has hurt a bit to sleep at night. So the other day I went to the doctors to get some blood tests done for various issues, and they all came up negative. Now they want to give my bladders an ultrasound....I'm a bit leary about doing this as it probably will cost me a fortune and my health insurance sucks ass. I am sure it will cost like a bajillion dollars and most of it will be out of my pocket. So, we'll see though! I have until Monday to decide if I want to reschedule or not.

I've lost a few pounds lately by eating better and doing some simple treadmill walking. I love our treadmill and it is really useful during the winter and when you just don't feel like going out. Even better, you can watch TV while you jog or walk on the thing! How can you beat that...exercising AND being a couch potato?

Estrogen Madness

2007-04-10T08:03:00.000-05:00

I am beginning to believe that dreams really may not have much meaning and are simply mentally induced madness and fun by your brain. I guess sometimes maybe dreams can mean something, but after last night, I am not so sure anymore.

Last night, I had a series of dreams, strung together in no discernable way, but I will try to highlight them simply to show how absurd it was:

A time where a friend and I switched from playing Warcraft to apparently playing Live Action Everquest 2 and we were running along various islands killing things and solving quests.

Living in a new home with a crazy Yorkshire terrier who went around and peed everywhere. I kept trying to clean up after him.

Monica's husband buying me a set of transformers, including some strange green construction-like ones that shot Juicy-Fruit sticks out of a rocket launcher

Going to a dinner party with twenty other girls in a strange outdoor courtyard and the meal portions were really small. The plates kept passing around in odd directions and ended up meeting at mine. After dinner, we all had to take our shoes off and head to a living room area to do Dance Dance Revolution.

Zombie sex. This was too disturbing for me to even describe.

Walking in on my old friends as they were sitting down drinking beers on a screened porch and arguing about D&D rules.

Easter Goodness

2007-04-09T22:58:00.000-05:00

I didn't have a very exciting Easter, but when I came to work yesterday, there was a very inconspicuous package lying on my desk. inside, was a basket of goodies! A certain special Monica got me the most awesome basket ever, including lots of chocolate to ruin my diet, and of course kickass World of Warcraft figurines, which are doing battle and/or posing a variety of homoerotic positions on my desk.

And I also got the coolest Kobold t-shirt ever! I will totally take a photo of it on later and post here.

I must say, Monica rules! OH yes she does.....

Stupid Skin!

2007-04-05T10:19:00.000-05:00

For the past week I have looked like a leper! I had some cryosurgery on my right hand to remove several splotches that were pre-cancerous. For the first few days, they started to bulge up into blistery ickiness. It was horror to say the least! I should've called George Romero to be a zombie hand model.

Now, they are bright red icky splotches as the skin heals. It really sucks and I can't very well go out and have too much lately because of them.

Being fair skinned has been pretty much a horrible curse I am thinking. I am in my early thirties and already experiencing all of this horror. I can't even imagine what the next thirty years has to offer for my skin. Needless to say, I don't go out in the sun anymore. I just can't chance aggravating whatever wicked things lie beneath my epidermis.

Confidence

2007-03-30T15:46:00.000-05:00

I've realized how wonderful I have it in life.

I have love beyond any imagining.
I have my health.
I have friends and friendships I could never have imagined before.
I have confidence in who I am.

And while I have no idea what the future may hold, I know I won't have to face whatever happens alone.

Life is beautiful.

Best Weekend Evah!

2007-03-26T18:15:00.000-05:00

I keep saying everytime I get to see Monica that it's the best weekend ever, but no really this time it just keeps getting better!

I think this is the first time anyone has ever come out here to see me other than my family, and it was so humbling and yet so amazing! We spent Friday evening out on the town. We stopped by P.F. Chang's for dinner. It was my first time there and I have to say that was really good chinese food! That night we went to the Symphony downtown and oh what an experience.

Saturday, we went down to the Circle Center Mall, and needless to say it was a freaking zoo downtown. Holy cow! There was some sort of monster truck rally or supercross event that makes people come out in droves. We had lunch at a nice little place in the mall and then went to watch 300. What a movie, and even better company!

Later that evening we headed out on the town with Jen and went to eat with her at Bucca di Beppo's. The food was insanely yummy and so was the fun. Afterwards, we went for a stroll down the canal downtown all together. When the mosquitos got too bad, we headed out and down to Talbott's Street for some drinks and a show!

All in all, it was an unforgettable time of coolness and squee. OH so much squee!

A Jagged Little Pill

2007-03-19T15:17:00.000-05:00

I'm not a totally huge fan of music. I love to listen to it, but like TV, I can take it or leave it.

There are, though, certain times when youare listening to albums that they speak to you on a level that makes you simply go "wow", or you change your outlook on everything. One such album which rocked my world was Jagged Little Pill.

There was a sense of rage, pain, frustration, and release that made this album change the way I view things. I think it was at this time, in 1995, when things with me sort of began their long spiral. The feelings brought out in this album, the pain of a Fundamentalist upbringing, the feminist rage, the angst and sorrow, led me to search myself and eventually I may have discovered too much that I didn't want to know about myself prior to transition. Only a year later, I joined the military to get away from all the chaos going on in my mind and life surrounding gender and hopelessness.

I can't obviously tie this one album as the cause of everything, but the music and the feelings it invoked provided me more opportunities to reflect on things, which were too scary at the time to deal with.

Have you ever had albums that changed your life in some way?

Flying in Circles

2007-03-13T13:09:00.000-05:00

I've been reading through my old blog and noticed a distinct and rather abrupt halt to the wonderful feelings I was having through the first year of my transition. My daily posts for that first year were full of hope and joy and daily wonders at the changes occurring.

Around the beginning to mid of March 2006, things went down hill as doubt and insecurity set in--from what happened at my workplace to the abrupt loss of my close circle of friends that I'd had since childhood.

Following that, I noticed that I lost confidence in what I had been doing, and began to rationalize away things I thought I could do without. I was even almost ready to give up transition altogether recently, thinking that maybe you could just get over it.

Transition is a painful experience, and yet it's supposed to be a positive experience where you can finally be who you are. I seemed to have lost myself in all this, and lost the perspectives of why I transitioned in the firstplace and instead have taken to rationalizing or ignoring things that are important to take care of. It was only recently that depression began to set in as well--something I had nearly vanquished when I made the decision to transition.

Not everythng is bad! I have love in my life unlike anything I've known before. I have a stronger relationship with my parents as well, although I wonder if I am secretly just catering to their expectations.

Needless to say I'm very confused, and moreso I'm stuck. I think much of it has to do with my workplace and I really need to find a new job where I can be myself. This means applying for jobs, and reaching out over the fears of losing my current job. It means I need to be myself more and that may mean changes that I'm scared to make.

How to Drive in Phoenix

2007-03-09T10:29:00.000-05:00

My parents sent me this and I thought Nexy would get a kick out of it. Tragically, everything on here is 100% accurate:

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name. It is "FEE-NICKS".

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number.Anything less is considered "wussy".

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone...ever! Seriously! It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road. SR-202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street, too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. I-17 is also called The Black Canyon Freeway, as well as The Veterans Memorial Highway. If all that isn't enough to remember, SR-51 has recently been renamed Piestewa Freeway because Squaw Peak Parkway was too easy to pronounce. SR-101 is also the Pima FWY, except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, and The Veterans Memorial HWY, west of I-17, it is known as the Agua Fria FWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd., but Cactus Rd. does not become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead-ends at a mountain.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands

Dreamy Days

2007-03-07T10:28:00.000-05:00

I had another set of dreams last night that are just weird as all get out. I am wondering if it is because of my new diet that I'm having such vivid dreams, or if it's because I'm losing my mind! Maybe it's a combo of both?

In the first one, my old friends back home finally took me back in and it felt like such a relief. One of them even hugged me and accepted me as me. It was so strange, and yet every inch of me wanted it to be true. The feeling of relief and acceptance nearly made me cry, and yet it was all but a dream.

The second dream, I was with Monica and Jen and some other girls I can't remember very well and sitting at a table at a bar/restaurant with them and we were having a good time talking and being together. Then some guys started coming up to us and I guess I was kind of shy or awkward, but one of them eventually stared into my face and said, "Are you trans?" At that moment, I just kind of looked away and down into the table, and then the other guys started looking a bit shocked at my non-answer and started going, "Oh dude, I told you she was!" They started laughing between themselves and then the dream ended.

Fun and Life

2007-02-27T11:27:00.000-05:00

Have you ever just had a bad day and you get kind of depressed about how life is going? Well the perfect and eerie remedy for me is to go shopping. I know it's probably not healthy, but it seems to cure being depressed rather quickly. I don't even have to buy anything, though getting some clothes to try on does help.

I guess the point for me is that when I'm in a depressed rut, get out and do something! Anything! So while shopping, I got 3 cute tank tops, some new black boots that look great, and a brown casual top.

Over the weekend, I was supposed to see Jen on Saturday, but it started sleeting horribly so I had to turn back. I tried going out in it, but my car was fishtailing all over the place so I decided to turn back home and just chill.

My hands and wrists have been healing up nicely and aren't too sore, so I hope I can get back to video game fun sometime soon.

Serious About Surgery

2007-02-20T14:01:00.000-05:00

I've come to the conclusion that I need to get some plastic surgery done, and I need to begin working to make it happen soon. It will be expensive, but right now, I am not happy with my looks. The hormones can only go so far, and now things I don't really like are starting to become more obvious in my eyes.

First off, the hairline. It has to be fixed. There is no ifs ands or buts. It looks absolutely shockingly horrendous when a good breeze blows it back, or after getting out of the shower. It is also preventing me from wearing my hair in certain ways and it looks horribly thin in all the photos from side angles....so thin that you can see my glasses' stems through it. This is priority one, and I will get this done ASAP!

And since I'll be under the knife, there are 1-2 other things I could do. I am thinking of getting a nose job to correct my dislike of that. I have my mom's nose and it drives me crazy! Also, I would love to get breast augmentation. They currently are not of the size that suits my body frame the best.

I know I shouldn't be insecure like this, but it does suck feeling this kind of despair at times.

Cabin Fever

2007-02-15T12:29:00.000-05:00

Oh God! I have Cabin Fever, though I don't have any flesh eating virii around the house. I'm stuck in our house. Our garage door is broke and we are snowed in. I spent all day yesterday shovelling snow, and was exhausted! That's no fun at all. On top of that, my wrists are ready to explode. I have a horrible case of carpal-tunnel syndrome that keeps flaring up in my right wrist mostly.

On the bright side, I was so loved on Valentine's Day! YAY! Love is such a wonderful thing :)