I've been reading through my old blog and noticed a distinct and rather abrupt halt to the wonderful feelings I was having through the first year of my transition. My daily posts for that first year were full of hope and joy and daily wonders at the changes occurring.
Around the beginning to mid of March 2006, things went down hill as doubt and insecurity set in--from what happened at my workplace to the abrupt loss of my close circle of friends that I'd had since childhood.
Following that, I noticed that I lost confidence in what I had been doing, and began to rationalize away things I thought I could do without. I was even almost ready to give up transition altogether recently, thinking that maybe you could just get over it.
Transition is a painful experience, and yet it's supposed to be a positive experience where you can finally be who you are. I seemed to have lost myself in all this, and lost the perspectives of why I transitioned in the firstplace and instead have taken to rationalizing or ignoring things that are important to take care of. It was only recently that depression began to set in as well--something I had nearly vanquished when I made the decision to transition.
Not everythng is bad! I have love in my life unlike anything I've known before. I have a stronger relationship with my parents as well, although I wonder if I am secretly just catering to their expectations.
Needless to say I'm very confused, and moreso I'm stuck. I think much of it has to do with my workplace and I really need to find a new job where I can be myself. This means applying for jobs, and reaching out over the fears of losing my current job. It means I need to be myself more and that may mean changes that I'm scared to make.
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6 comments:
It is true that in the old days of your old bloggy (Back in the bygone days when they were "Online Diaries"!)you faced lots of icky pain, but you also had so much excitment over transition and hope, such positive anticipation, for the future. I have worried about you, sweetie, as you have expressed much less giddiness over the direction of your transition and that you often considered sacrificing it for other things.
With that in mind, I can tell you that, nomatter what happens in the future- where you go, your job situation, your path through transition- you will never ever ever be alone. You will always have love and you will forever have every ounce of support and adoration and love in my body and soul. I will be with you- and here for you- no matter what! It's not a just a promise, beautiful Colleeny- it's my greatest honor and privilege.
I am SO very proud of you, sweetie.
PS- In reference to your parents, I really do think they have come a long way. I know the situation is not perfect yet- and some of the stuff they have done to you still fills me with such complete anger. But I think that, considering where they started with wanting you to pray the trans away and everything else, they have made tremendous progress. I do not think you are catering to their expectations at all. You are just respecting the fact it takes time for them to adjust. As long as they continue to make progress, and as long as you are close with them and they respect you, then I think things are okay!
You know, my companion on Saturday inquired about you and I told her I thought you were full-time by now, because you haven't been posting much lately about the state of your transition or what's been happening at work, so I kinda thought those things were behind you. Sorry that I'm not up on things in your life that way.
I think you are very clear about what you need to do to continue your transition (i.e. find a new job) and also what the possible outcomes of that course of action might be. You know enough about the process to make an informed decision. I think the only things that are confusing you are the feelings generated by the gravity of making that decision, not the lack of information.
I was thinking on this myself today, so I'll say it here instead of on my blog: anyone who thinks transition is a last-resort option is looking at life as if it's only a means to reach death. If you think about it, suppressing the need to transition is in effect saying you're going to suffer until you die, and then your suffering will end and you will be at peace. Life is not about getting through it with a minimum of effort and fuss. Life is about savoring each moment, making every day count, and realizing that what is left undone is what you will regret the most when life comes to its natural end.
That's my two cents - take it as you will.
It's so easy to find ourselves at a spot along the road where we can sit and rest. Contentment turns to complacency and suddenly the idea of getting up and moving again is one that causes some stress and bother. Things may not be perfect in that spot but you know it'll be rough ahead...why not stay?
Eventually you have to move on. Otherwise you'll never reach the safety and happiness you've sought all along...I think it's all a matter of keeping your real desires in perspective....trust me...this is advice to me as much as it is to you!
Fight complacency! ^_^
As for your parents, I'll withhold my probably predictable advice...just remember how beautiful and lucky a woman you are, and remember that there's some crap you have to take in life, but most crap is crap you don't have to take. Like Michelle said, take that for what you will...
In any case, Monica was right. You're not gonna be alone. ^_^
I love you all!
Thank you very much for the much needed advice and encouragement and perspective, girls.
I agree as you know that my transition is really in full swing here, it was the waiting around and the job thing that just got to me and I feel like I need to get this thing going. I personally think you need to do as I'm doing, break free, find a new job, I don't know if you have had a name change or not but I think its important that you want to be a female. Eventually you will have to take some scary steps like carrying your name change into companies and explaining what's going on. Its a battle but I really feel like its worth it all. I'm here for you, don't be afraid to ask questions.
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